Birthdays

Personal Rants Friday, December 30, 2016
There are no such things as birthdays. They were just days. Dates. Another passing -sun -up -sun - down. Another pattern.

People celebrate them, nonetheless. I did too.

They shower each other with gifts and pearls and elegant decorations. They wear beautiful silk dresses, fitting their curves and edges. They hug their loved ones. They took photos, upload it so the world could know, and celebrate every engagement it has reached.

(Not that it's a bad thing, tho. I am sorry if I wrote 'they' as a perspective, it is because I haven't done anything like that before. Well, who knows, I probably will in the future)

I did too, I celebrate mine every year. Last year it was indomie jumbo for breakfast. Today, it was McDonald's hot pancake with maple syrup and melted butter.

When I was younger, birthdays are all about opening gifts and collecting gift cards. Taping them on my cupboard as a souvenir afterward. We always gather at my grandma's house. My auntie and uncle will have to buy my younger sister a present too every December. My sister and I will race to unwrap the gifts, get surprised about what is in it and then have pretty pictures taken of us.

Sometimes it's all about cakes, and what is written on it. Other times it was all about parties, magicians, and showing off to your neighboring kids.

As you grow older, families grew apart. Gifts are no longer wrapped in fancy paper because its a waste of money and time. Most of the time they give you the money and you buy what you wanted on your own. Real calls transformed into window chats. Tears turn into emojis. Hugs turn into Cony and Brown.

Surprises will only surprise you when you have no clue. Most of the time they asked, what do you want for your birthday this year? Where are you going on your birthday this year? This, of course will eliminate all the difficulties and the disappointment of not getting the exact thing you want as a present.

And then, only real people who matter are the ones who get the memo to the party. Not a party tho, just a small get-together, with you, happily paying the bills. Pictures at the photo box is a must. Cakes and cupcakes aren't tho, because they can easily be replaced with anything creative.

I am not a person to get what I wanted as a present for my birthday, WELL, I know what I wanted to have. I eye on many things, and many people who asked me knew too. But my parents does not have to, they have given me life already. So I calmly come to wherever they wanted to go on my birthday trips.

But I do know what I picture as a perfect birthday this year. Just me, watching my Korean dramas, finishing my books that are piling up on the corner of my room, and an 8-hour sleep.

And attention. Showers of prayers and kind words from those faces who matters.

I got lots of them. Nice words I capture and save to keep on an album I made for me to see when I feel bad about myself.

But some faces, I still yearn.
Last year it was him. This year it was you.


And none of them come true.

Then, it came to me.

If birthdays is about pampering yourself, showering yourself with love and care, and letting yourself believe that you are special, why can't it be every day? Or any day?
If I woke up one day on April and decided to eat Pancakes for breakfast and Waffles for dinners, I do not sin, right?

I am going to do things that make me happy on my entire life, not only a day. If you did not wish me kind words today that would be okay, because you can do it tomorrow, or any day given. If today there are no get-togethers, or beautiful gift wraps, that is okay. If the books haven't been read today, it's okay. If I was not the happiest or the prettiest today, it's okay. 
Heck yeah, I have 365 days a year to do it.


Wouldn't it be fun? Having parents wish you kind words every day, give you wonderful surprise presents in random months of the year, throwing off gatherings and taking beautiful pictures, the whole year. I intend to be that kind of parent, so my kids won't be expectant every year for their birthdays, they will just see the day as it is,

They are just days.
    Share |

A heart that changes after a year.

Personal Rants Monday, December 26, 2016
If you look back, what were you doing last year?
I was making some presentation design, after a meeting with a friend, she inspires me to try new things. I decided to like my new kind of style and implements it in almost a semester of mind - mapping designs.

Today, I would say that kind of style is outdated. I cringe and throw off many sets of styles for I have not find my own. I felt no desire to style any presentation now. And as I think about it, it is because I gave up on searching.
If you look back, how do you feel last year?
I ended up seeking for someone's attention because I am running away from my feelings to someone else. I put an end to it, months later, and declare myself  "Desperately seeking no one." With an empty heart, thinking there is no way to feel anything anymore.

Today, I no longer feel butterflies on my stomach, or elephants thumping on my chest. I felt a river  of blood running through my veins with an intense speed all over my body that I can even still feel it now, tingling in my toes. 

Seeing 2016 as a year,
I will probably have a tough way addressing it. Because it was not on an extreme. It was not a great year, I suffer and saw those closest to me suffered. I worked up at a lot of things, took trips to hospitals, does so many wrong doings, having people talked blatantly through my mistakes, and cried a lot, too.

But I can't call it an awful year too, because it was also a year where my heart changes

And to be not only thankful but also, to prevent myself being forgetful, I am going to write the things that have changed me this year.

1. HMIK UI 2016


A place where I learn not only truth about the world and other people, but also, a little bit of myself. It is a home where the windows are opening, the doors are strong, and the blankets are tender, sincere and full of compassions. 

and also a very tiring-full of lessons-sweats-and-sneers, journey.

2. RTC UI FM

The sum of my productivity. A practical and professional learning place. A place where my mental strengths are to be tossed around and built upon. A place to work on my two-cents. And to put it off, another place of warm faces and good intentions I will probably need in the future.

(I desperately need)

3. Comspire 2016

Why would I write about a freaking OSPEK as a reason that changes me this year?
It is because of relations.

The basic theme of the event itself is indeed, relations. To be blunt, it was actually not only for those who are the targets of the events, but it is for anyone who partakes in it.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to meet amazing new faces, faces I always thought irrelevant, faces I never ever seen before, and I also get to know what are the things you have to know in perceiving new faces that are coming.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to witness ideas, perseverances, friendships... all that leads to victories. Of my own, and of the thing that matters the most to the heart of the place.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to find new supporting system(s) : 

4. My support system: The Universe

It is only in these last few days of 2016 that I realize that the universe always showing its good nature: that it wasn't at all conspiring against you, it stands by your back. The universe, and the people in it.




The sky and the clouds, which presents themselves as fairly brilliant in making you gasps and awe every time you look up to the sky these few weeks, has been a best of a friend. For as I stopped and think, they are the sole reason of why some of my good days started off as soon as I stepped out of my house.

There are also those people, my whole supporting system. My parents, my family, and those who always stick around. Most of the supporting system, which I can't name all of them, are also there on the upper side of the list. They are those who back me up when I am being my deadliner self. They who caters all my needs when I have no time (or willingness) to do it for myself. Those who answers the phone when I am about to cry, and talk my tears out of it. Those who keep on reciting all the words in highlights even when I dozed off asleep. Those who I can count on being professional and fun at the same time. Those people I relentlessly spend a whole day with. Those people who talk to me on the canteen ground, from serious conversations, to laughter about parodies and jinxes. Those people whom I can spend doing so many things together with. Those people who tirelessly taught me everything I need to know. Those people who respond to my endless need to talk about lippies product so I can get my mind off of things. Those people who listen and help me organize my feelings. Those people I share bumpy train rides with. Those people that don't vent even when I am bothering their place just to get my paper done at 3 am in the morning. Those people I can talk to every day even when they are miles away. Those who lets their houses be a place for wandering souls to stay. Those people who remind me of simple things I should do, like tying my shoe, or finishing a meal. Those people who let me stay dan learn things from them. Those people who doesn't mind hanging around a junior like me. Those people who makes me laugh at incredibly anything. Those people who wait on you at night on campus to accompany your train ride back home.









Those people, are the ones that taught me so many things about life. They made me see the world differently, through their eyes. Some of them suffer so much this year. Those suffering I don't even believe can be happening in real life, to a girl, my age, in this kindred year of 2016. But through them, I learn, I see the world as it is. That there is no such thing as black and white, we are always compromising. We live in 'in betweens'. And every other person on the planet is facing a real struggle of their own, and sometimes, you just need, to be honest and share your thoughts with other people to feel less of the burden.

Sometimes it does sound presumptuous to say it, but it is very nice, to have them listened to me. They are my reason to be strong, because whenever I feel like the world has gotten the best of me, I remember them. I remember those strong people, those faces, those struggles, and those promises and premises about life we had after the 'talk'. To be blunt, it does sound like a dismay; reflecting upon other people's sorrows, expecting out from people around you instead out from yourself, and neglecting the fact that people aren't always gonna be there for you. But, I found out that there is so much goodness can be found, scattered around these faces, and all around us. Sometimes we took it for granted. We somehow forgot even the smallest face that we saw every day are the ones that had been supporting us, like a backbone. Somehow if we took the time to appreciate and really look, we might find small acts of kindness that are hidden from our eyes that can be our new source of strength. ( I found one on an ojek ride to home yesterday, when the driver remembers me clearly from one and a half year ago - as a 81 SHS grader, and is now relieved that I am a college student of the biggest campus in the state ). Anything could be our everything. The task is, I guess, to keep seeing things like them and keep on being thankful. These words and these faces I am writing about now might change and disappear at any given moment in the future, but there is nothing wrong in believing, that I might find it again. In any new faces I will meet, or places not yet to be accounted for, or in the house of a long lost family. Anything is possible.

What I hope after writing this is a few of these people and faces that I let read this realize that it is an open letter to each and every one of them. A letter of me saying tons of gratitude, for being there, or just for simply existing. A letter of me reminding them to seek out their multiple sources of strengths. A letter of me telling them just how beautiful the world I am seeing now because of the help of their good intentions, and a letter of me hoping that I might have any chance in helping them see theirs too.


So, how about 2017?

I am going to ask myself this every day next year, what were you doing last year? what were you feeling last year? what was happening this time last year? 

No, not to make myself nostalgic and whatsoever, but just to count how much I have changed, how many things I have learned and how I adapt to changes of those around me. Sometimes, it also can help me to count the things I have to be grateful for. Because so many times I tend to forget about being a thankful freeloader-human being of this mundane life God has given me.

It is also a tool I create to map out where and how my supporting systems are doing.

I am going to keep track of myself, and my universe(s) next year. I am going to write. Write, not only about the world but also about myself and make lists, of things that are precious to me and be very well informed of what is going on to those around me. I am going to focus on feelings, and people.

 My people.

 Because they deserve a whole lot of it.

24 - 26 December 2016
Bekasi
sarahannida



    Share |

2:11 am

engkau Saturday, December 10, 2016
Malam ini aku tidak bisa tidur,
aku mencoba mencari frasa yang tepat untuk menulis tentang engkau lagi
Entah kenapa mawar itu tidak juga gugur
Padahal seharusnya ia tahu diri



    Share |

Yang tidak disukai

daftar Thursday, December 01, 2016
Ia tidak suka rambut yang menyembul diantara kerudung hitam yang terlalu jauh ditarik kebelakang,
Ia tidak suka tali sepatu yang menjuntai tak diikat sempurna,
Ia tidak suka sampah yang berserakan,
Ia tidak suka makanan yang kamu sisakan,
Ia tidak suka kelas yang waktunya memotong adzan,
...
Akan selalu aku catat dan aku ingat daftar panjang tentang hal - hal yang Ia tidak suka ini
Karena mungkin belum saatnya
untuk mencari apa yang Ia sukai



    Share |

Prasangka Buruk

engkau Sunday, November 20, 2016

Di matamu aku
Anak kecil
Bau tengik
Ingusan
Asal meracau
Tak punya risau
Gelagat malu malu
Pura pura tidak tahu
Menganggu
Sakit melulu


Pokoknya tidak relevan
Untuk engkau tulis di naskah buku harian
yang akan kau terbitkan tahun depan.



- Prasangka buruk 10 November 2016-


sarahannida,
(panik sampai ubun - ubun, semoga besok baik baik saja.)

    Share |

read

Personal Rants Friday, November 18, 2016
I failed miserably at reading the signs,

that my eyes turns grey,
my knees are shaking,
my lungs are wet,
my temple whim,

my throat is yellow,
my wrists are blue,
my lips are white,
and the water runs orange

If I were to die, I would not have recognized anything.
If I were to fly, I would not have prepared my wings.

I was blinded by the thought of you
that I never came to see anybody else
including myself.

thank you to another 5 stripes of pills,
I finally learn how to read myself.


sarahannida
18 November 2016
Cawang,
Tapi hati di Depok, Bekasi, dan engkau.
    Share |

Mataharimu

Very Personal Saturday, November 12, 2016
...Di tanganku keajaiban
Yang selalu ku persembahkan
Bila engkau ingin menjumpai ku tataplah
Angkasa

Ku ada di sinar rembulan
menatap penuh kasih
memandang penuh cinta
ku kan datang saat fajar menjelang
bercahaya
karena aku
Mataharimu

Sparkling - Mataharimu (Diciptakan oleh Trie Utami)


Dan sepertinya iya, aku Mataharimu. Yang mana artinya aku tidak bisa berada di dekat mu kalau aku tak mau kau terbakar dan menjadi abu. 

sialan.


    Share |

Prasangka Baik: Terhitung satu bulan

engkau Tuesday, November 08, 2016
7 November 2016
Terhitung satu bulan.

Akhirnya aku mengerti.

Dan realisasi ini bukan hasil berpikir satu hari, tapi dari sekian banyak perjalanan yang telah kuhitung dengan pertimbangan dari si empunya hati. Akhirnya aku mengerti.

Mungkin engkau sama sama mencari sesuatu di diriku seperti aku mencari sesuatu di dirimu. Sesuatu yang entah bentuknya apa, sesuatu yang mungkin hanya guratan asa. Sesuatu yang diharapkan menjadi pengharapan, mungkin.

Tapi kau sama seperti aku, yang kita cari masih belum ketemu. Mungkin ia masih tersembunyi diantara bola mata yang mengusik satu sama lain saat jauh dan menghindar saat waktu nya bercumbu.

Atau mungkin ia bersembunyi diantara doa doa tentang masa depan yang kau impikan malam itu, yang kau hela napas mu untuk sekadar bersujud memberi ampun mu, berharap yang akan jadi lebih baik dari yang lalu.

Atau mungkin dia tidak bersembunyi dimana - mana. Ia memang tidak ada.

Dan ketika kita sudah lelah mencari, yang tersisa hanya stiker gratisan line dan gurauan basa basi.

Maka dari itu aku akan mencoba benar benar berhenti menulis tentang engkau. Berhenti menulis tentang bagaimana aku mencoba membuat engkau menulis tentang aku. Berhenti menulis tentang perjalanan yang selama ini tujuan nya cuma satu. Berhenti menulis karangan cerita dimana segala kenangan ku ramu jadi masa depan yang semu.

Lalu mencoba lebih banyak menulis tentang diriku.


Prasangka Baik 7 November 2016 sarahannida

saking banyaknya beginian, kayaknya sebentar lagi jadi satu buku tentang engkau.
    Share |

You Can Cry For Nothing

Personal Rants Tuesday, November 01, 2016
Since a mirage happens in the dawn of my college life, I promised myself not to let my heart get that full control of my tears and only cry for important things.

Tonight I walked down on the pavement in front of the campus gate and stopped because I have to search for a missing noun, but mainly because I have to conceal my falling tears. They run down like a snowball falling from the top of the hill, fast and heavy.

I have no idea what causes the heavy heart tonight, I put on my Joker's mask and lie to a friend about the reason I cry so suddenly, I am actually ashamed. Someone on highschool once said that my "crying suddenly" habit is freaky (they actually use the term "freak) and I agree, I just can't controll them sometimes. I also can't identify what went wrong, who makes me feel like shit, what words made me uneasy, and so on, but I still could not think of anything. So when I stopped today, I realize maybe it was for nothing.

Maybe I cry for nothing like those smiles and glances we exchange everytime we met which doesn't really mean anything.


maybe I cry for nothing like my favourite notebook that was missing for no reason.


maybe I cry for nothing like how my useless tweets does not mean anything.

You don't always have the reason for everything, sometimes it is okay to cry for nothing.

    Share |

sebuah doa

engkau Friday, October 28, 2016
Aku membayangkan engkau menari - nari di antara pohon pohon rimba jua yang meranggas dan meringis membuat mu. Kau menengadah membentuk lengkungan tulus di bibir mu, menyapa matahari yang teriknya tidak memburu. Terang, tapi sejuk sekali hatimu. Angin yang membelai rambutmu itu pertanda aku cemburu, ingin juga berada disitu. Atau sekedar sekali - kali menjadi alasan penting di skala prioritas mu.

Aku membayangkan hamparan hijau dan biru menjadi cinderamata yang cukup bagimu, untuk berdiri berada di kala itu dan mengucap nama Tuhanmu. Dekat, tapi tidak terlalu dekat, jaga kakimu untuk tetap berada di langit kaki ibu, agar kau aman di pelukan kalbu dan cengkraman bebatuan di titik kulminasi mu.

Aku membayangkan hamparan sabana, masa depan dan awan yang gemuk membungkus langit, semua tentram di buaian bola matamu. Aku membayangkan lukisan sang Maha Cipta dalam jendela kecil yang nanti akan kau unggah dan buat seribu manusia cemburu. Aku membayangkan aku kebagian secuil cerita seru langsung dari mulutmu, kamis depan, atau sekedar dari laman tautan buatan seorang teman seperjuangan. Aku membayangkan kedapatan cinderamata darimu, untuk membalas malu ku yang tak mendengar bualan mu sore itu dan untuk tetap percaya kau akan pulang, keluar duduk di sudut pilu itu.

Dalam secangkir kopi yang kuseduh malam ini, juga yang kau hirup dan matang matang kau harap akan mengusir lelah kedinginan. Diantara ruang mu dan ruangan ku. Diantara kemungkinan mu dan kemungkinanku. Hadir teman baru yang dinamakan ketidakmungkinan kita

Secarik episode ke sekian di dalam halaman diari dedaunanku, mungkin tidak bisa mencapai penjuru dunia di petamu, tak mampu juga memapah beban dari kerikil di punggung ku yang terseok - seok mencoba mendaki pranata sosial (baca: social climbing), dan sesegeraku meramu keraguan untuk mempertimbangkan berhenti menulis tetang engkau,

Dan membiarkan doaku melangkahi puncak Annapurna.
Suatu saat nanti.

    Share |

gurauan

engkau Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Dalam balutan selimut dan bau belum mandi, diantara dilema angka dan baca, diantara alunan gitar yang memekik percuma,

aku yang seharusnya menulis tentang bagaimana generasi kita tersaturasi oleh imaji, atau bagaimana media merepresentasikan kenyataan dalam konstruksi, atau bagaimana frekuensi dan variasi di distribusi

malah menulis tentang engkau.

(and yet,

you don't

even


exist)

sarahannida
besok uts statsos sama kamed
belum belajar sama
sekali
s a m a  s e k a li
    Share |

aku dan playlist arctic monkeys

Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Adalah sebuah perjalanan pulang dari stasiun cawang bawa angin masuk ke badan yang bisa bikin aku mikir beneran (karena selama ini enggak pernah mikir anaknya).

"I have been feeling foolish,
you should try it"

 Hanya seorang mahasiswi yang dengerin alex turner di kuping, ya, sama aja sama pemudi lain yang kegandrungan tren jaman sekarang. Malam itu hanya berbeda dengan kaca helm baru pak agus yang kali itu membuat cahaya gedung - gedung jadi bias, kemanapun mataku menilik, aku melihat pelangi.

Hanya seorang manusia biasa ternyata gadis ini, tidak spesial spesial amat. Menaruh batas harapan kebahagiaan kepada benda mati. Tidak pernah puas dengan semua yang sudah di beli. Mana? katanya inner peace yang dicari?
Halah, basi.

"You look like you've been for breakfast at the heartbreak hotel
And sat in the back booth by the
Pamphlets and the literature on how to lose
Your waitress was miserable and so was your food
If you're gonna try and walk on water
Make sure you wear your comfortable shoes"
(comfortable shoes saja tidak punya)
(tuh kan)

Hanya bisa iri dengan apa yang terjadi pada orang lain, salahnya sendiri padahal, tidak pernah berhati - hati pada pilihan untuk diri sendiri. Ngurusin orang lain aja... pusing.

Sampai kapan mau begini enggak ikhlas?

 "Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now?
Or darling, have you started feeling old yet?"

Kabur dengan goresan di bibir dan perona wajah,
siapa tau bisa lari dari kenyataan,
ya kan?
    Share |

Bicara (atau tidak)

Poems Saturday, October 22, 2016
Terkadang aku berpikir,
buat apa kita bicara

Bicara ini
Bicara itu

Maksud mu apa?
Mendulang malam agar egomu senja,
atau sekedar bercerita?

Kadang aku berpikir
mengapa kata begitu tidak bermakna,
tapi menusuk lautan aksara
saat salah waktu kau coba jumpa

mengapa kata begitu sampai di jari jemarimu
menjadi tameng hujan seribu malu
atas kiasan realita yang kau jalin malam itu

Kadang aku berpikir,

buat apa kita bercerita,
ketika cerita yang di ceritakan
merupakan cerita yang di cerita - ceritakan
oleh kita yang miskin cerita

terkadang aku berpikir

buat apa aku bicara di laman ini dengan sombong
yang aslinya hanyalah sederet angka satu kosong satu kosong satu kosong
bunyi yang kosong dari nyaring nya si tong

oh iya,
aku lupa

disini aku sedang tidak bicara dengan siapa siapa

sarahannida
Terinspirasi dari Bicara Besar oleh Kezia Alaia dan sebuah percakapan malam pra UTS 
22 Oktober 2016
1.15 pagi
cawang/halim/kalimalang/bekasi/jakarta/depok/engkau


    Share |

"Don't you ever think that I won't ever think of you"

Personal Rants Friday, October 21, 2016
In the midst of the train back home no one recognizes a tear, swelling up under her eyes to finally be swept with her unmoving finger. Everyone is tired of the long hour and the bumping car sound, everyone is deeply drowned in their own sorrow serenade. A drop of tear won't matter.

In the midst of the laughter room no one recognizes a frown in the form of an unwilling smile, as long as the rest of the team happy, a melancholic member is not a problem to be accounted for.

In the middle of a noble man's rushing and hustling routines, he did not recognize a girl with a full make up sitting nicely on a bench doing nothing. He did not even take a look at her face.

In the loving hour of laughter's warmth and campus breeze, they will never recognize her struggle to get to the ground and contrive their objectives
 "No one asks you to" they probably say.

As the train move, the rest of the world seem far and dark. Leaving the tears and sorrow for another useful right, because, darling, you can't possibly sleep tonight.
    Share |

"Ku Takut Alam Bebas"

engkau Thursday, October 13, 2016
Berawal dari dialog depan Auditorium Gekom, lalu mulai dikirim sebuah tautan menuju tulisan seorang senior, seorang pujangga, terhadap hal yang masih relevan bagiku sekarang, Comspire 2016.

Satu sentuhan di touchpad membuka mata, aku menahan waktu ku membaca dengan saksama setiap kata, karena belum pernah aku lihat sisi ini dari sang pujangga yang sehari harinya ku tarik dan ku jaili rambutnya yang kayak brokoli itu. Beberapa kali menahan tawa dan decak, karena membaca di sebelah maba- yang lagi ku susah payahi membuat PKM - K untuk limas- dan takut membuat dia hilang fokus. Waktu berlalu, aku enggan menutup jendela chrome saat aku menidurkan laptop ku (baca: sleep) dan sampailah pada waktu aku mengirimkan email tugas yang telat sekian jam ke kawan lama, jariku bergerak membaca lagi, mengurai fokusku lagi, lalu sampailah pada cerita - cerita lain, cerita cerita tentang alam bebas.

And that it strucks.. (like every little thing that strucks me so much this week)

Hidupku tidak kurang dan tidak lebih dari Depok, Jakarta, Bekasi. Tidak pernah ingin jauh jauh pergi dari jalur commuter line agar pulang ke Cakung atau Cawang bukan jadi masalah. Bergumul dengan bau polutan, bergumul dengan bau ketek bapak - bapak yang enggan bangkit dari duduk nya di sebelah kanan, bergumul dengan badan ibu ibu kegendutan yang menyesakkan badan ku yang kecil ini apabila kereta dari atau menuju Bekasi sudah bagai kaleng sarden yang isinya daging manusia kecapekan.

Bukan nya aku merindukan liburan, ya memang banyak rencana di agendakan, mulai dari jalan jalan kecil ke kebun raya bogor yang diburu buru agar teman baikku bisa pulang tepat waktu, sampai sukabumi yang penuh harapan akan rindu angin segar dan kau. Memang aku butuh jalan - jalan tapi bukan itu saja yang mau aku sesali disini.

Pencarian. Alam. Kegigihan. Aku tidak memiliki semua itu. Melihat cerita bagaimana orang - orang dikaruniakan cinta yang amat dalam untuk pendakian, peluh dan kerikil aku cemburu, dimana ya aku bisa menemukan dorongan kuat untuk hidup menikmati perjalanan seperti mereka? Kayaknya bangun pagi untuk kuliah saja malas nya setengah mati. Gigih membuka botol air kemasan aja tidak, minta bantuan siapapun yang lagi dekat dan kuat. Persistensi nol, tapi banyak obrol. Kelihatannya kuat tapi rapuh.


Hana pernah mengeluarkan becandaan tentang itu, "Kutakut alam bebas" ujarnya diikuti HAHAHA panjang dariku. Miris, melihat bagaimana itu justru jadi catchphrase paling relevan sedunia tentang aku, atau kau.

Aku bukan takut pada alam, aku hanya bukan penakluknya. Aku hanya butiran remah remah di bumi mencoba untuk bertahan semampunya, aku berharap aku bisa menikmati setiap anugrah Tuhan Yang Maha Esa, tapi mungkin duniaku bukan sebesar dunia, mungkin hanya dalam skala ombak yang mendesir dibawah matahari terik yang membuat foto terlalu terang dan tidak jadi di post di instagram, mungkin dalam balutan penginapan murah tempat main kartu bersama keluarga, mungkin dalam jalan antara teknik dan sastra yang menjadi tempat penuh tawa manusia manusia menstrim ketika sedang membicarakan kelakuan temannya, mungkin diantara taman bunga yang tidak jadi disinggahi lebih lama, mungkin diantara bilik kopi populer tengah kota, atau diantara buku - buku mahal yang jarang dijual di pasaran. Aku merana, mungkin aku tidak pantas untuk Alam. Pikirku sempit, dan rutin ku rumit. Dan Alam adalah tempat bagi mereka yang bebas.
**

Seperti perkara memiliki mu, aku tidak bisa memiliki alam. Setidaknya belum sekarang. Aku hanya bisa menikmati, mengaggumi hamparan hijau dan damai yang ia sebarkan walau hanya melalui jendela kecil layar jemari yang sarat like dan presisi.


Aku tidak bisa menyentuh kerikil pecah di kaki gunung dan menghirup dedaunan atau bunga edelweiss itu. Aku tak bisa memiliki karang putih yang kau koleksi setelah menyelami perambaian, atau merasakan hembusan angin terik matahari yang jingga semburatnya saat tenggelam.


Aku takut alam bebas, 
selayaknya aku takut pada kau


(belum seelesai)
sarahannida


    Share |

I Don't Know

Saturday, October 08, 2016
After running a month or so, the "Comspire 2016" finally come to an end, and on the trip back home with sweaty attires and puffy eyes,  a conversation with Ka Mad struck as delirious.

We talked about how she find that her feelings can be immensely different when it comes to the love of her life at the moment. Of how she never thought that she will become a girl who had that much of a feeling that she can purposely give it all to love.

And she said that "The best kind of feeling is when you feel happy when he is happy even though you are drowsy as fuck that day"

And by the time I wrote this, I still wonder what kind of feeling can I describe as "the best"? And do I have ever felt any feelings that can surpass that highly unobjective standard? Do I want to have any feelings considered as love? What is the real meaning and definition of Love as a feeling? What kind of feeling is it? And do I want that kind of feelings?

To this day, I don't know what kind of love I'm looking for.

Do I want that ooshy mooshy, all touchy and Ludus kind of love? Or do I want that kind of Love when u hint that you are hungry they will come across oceans and bring u mozzarella pizza and that nasi uduk kebon kacang you have been craving?

Do I want that kind of love when you can talk as much all day about something and be completely silent the next day because you simply have nothing to talk about, and you both just let it flow?
Do I want that kind of love you fight for intensely? That tears and dramatic remarks, all from a guy who's love is a mystery.
Do I want that kind of love where you can be both happy and sad and tired together, challenging every dream, both as a couple or as an individual, coming home to realize that you are too tired to argue and you just both smile and say "Let's just sleep tonight."
Do I want that kind of love when.....

and the list will remain forever, until.

It was never a clear answer for me, all these questions piled up not because I questioned anyone's feelings for me, it is because I questioned my own feelings for anyone. For that person standing in front of me whom I thought I might love, for that person sitting in front of me whom I thought was made for me.

Bella added the conversation tonight with a little "Because love is not always about having"
.
For all the songs I cried to because they reminded me of the blurry perceptions, I want to say that I may not be able to say goodbye now. But believe me, I am in Repair.

The current playlist
"Strings Attached: To You"
Find me on spotify; Sarah Annida H.H 
Comspire 2016 has been a hell of a ride, a joyful one, but in order to keep a record, it is also the one full of lessons about feelings and humans.

 Sleepy,
7 to 8 October 2016,
Cawang
sarahannida.

    Share |

Cosmogyral

Friday, July 08, 2016
I decided to write about this because I, once again, found myself whirling around too much and that have resulted in again, me having to consume 5 straps of pills, itchy throat and a tragedy which I can't even walk myself to the bathroom.

 Cosmogyral. I admit I never really explain to anyone why I choose that term over many of my social media presence. Sadly the reason was because I have no reason, I just happen to like the sound of it. Well, I was young back then and that was the predicament of my thinking process.

Cosmogyral is a term that means whirling around the universe. I was kind of into constellations-ish words back then so I fell in love with that word I found on a blog, which main activity was to post rare but meaningful words that will probably inspire tons of hipsters and poetic personas. Yes, I was that cliché back then ( I have said it a thousand time ). Years passed and I finally came into the real meaning of the word and why I am so very attached to it.

It was my life, I was in that kind of condition. I am whirling around the universe, I have no idea which galaxy I belong to so I am just pretending the whole universe is my home. And whirl around it. I never land on anywhere, I don't know where I am going. I float around all over the sky.

Reflecting back on reality, I pretty much whirl around everything. I am all over the place, I took works that spark my interests just for the hang of it. And sometimes I  know I am overwhelmed by the tasks. I actually select works that will benefit different aspects for me and my soft skill in the making but the term procrastinating and mismanaging put me in a tight spot. I am all over the place, and my biggest fear is that I may not contribute anything worthwhile to it.

People will expect you to do a decent job just because they think you are capable. There are some people who have high expectation when you joined their team and it will be hard to keep it up if you drown yourself in the thought that you can't do that much. If I ever learn anything from my first year of college, is you will always find time to work on it despite the crazy chaotic schedule lined up for a day.  If you reflect back, there are always a purpose in which why you are whirling towards a certain constellation on the universe, stars drift around galaxies and the universe expands in a not so ordinary way in order to keep the chaos in order. And you will also have to find that order under all the chaos, whirling around or walking straight.

I am currently whirling around, just far enough to find my spot. But even if it may take a while, I will find my pattern. I will find another meaning to Cosmogyral, and drift the heck out of it.


This is a note to myself; Get shit done. 



    Share |

Mencari

engkau Saturday, June 18, 2016


Aku masih mencari dimana aku bisa mencari mu
Disela – sela ruang udara antara gubahan para pujangga abad ini
Diantara baris baris puisi yang dibaca para penikmat seni
Diantara kalimat sendu yang kau unggah tiga belas bulan yang lalu
Diantara langit dan senyum malu malu mu
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Aku bisa menyangka, aku berlari ke tempat yang sama, ternyata, walau hari telah berganti bulan dan tahun berganti masehi.  Rapuh ku masih dalam ruang yang sama, mencoba keluar dari perandaian. Aku belum cukup dewasa, Aku belum belajar dari kesalahan yang lama. Aku hanya kembali memutar asa, kepada relung hati yang sama, ekspektasi yang sama, tingkah laku yang sama.
Aku berlari dari, lagi – lagi, ketakutan yang sama. Harusnya bukan pada kamu aku berlari, bukan?
Aku tidak seharusnya mencari dimana aku bisa mencari mu. Aku harusnya mencari diriku sendiri. Diriku yang tersebar di ratusan bit dan coin. Di antara kode asing dalam dunia ciptaan manusia. Bersembunyi dibalik mimpi buruk ku semalam yang membangunkanku seperti komentar rancu yang kau tinggalkan di halaman seseorang, yang menunggu kau hapus dan hilangkan dari dunia. Selamanya.

 Apa mungkin aku menemukanmu? Bagaimana mungkin aku menemukan bagian dari dirimu yang aku cari ? Bagaimana mungkin menemukan hal yang hilang dari dirimu ketika kau tidak tahu bahwa kau kehilangan sesuatu? Apakah kau benar benar hidup, di diriku?



designspiration.net: https://picdit.net/2015/03/19/painter-zac-roz/


Unfinished diary
17 - 18 Juni 2016
Bekasi
sarahannida

    Share |

Aku ingin pulang

Personal Rants Friday, June 17, 2016
Asing 
Aku ingin pulang

Pada pelukan hangat seprai bau milik ibu
Pada peluh keringat karena kipas angin ruang tv yang rusak melulu
Pada satu titik keseimbangan yang aku buat buat sendiri
untuk menenangkan hati karena siapa juga yang mau mengunjungi
rumah rusak dengan lantai berdebu dan halaman yang belum sempat di hiasi

Aku akan pulang
menjauh dari kepura pura an yang menyelimutiku
seperti kabut pagi menyelimuti kota Depok.

Tidak ada kabut pada pagi hari di Kota Depok, bukannya?

iya, tidak ada.

Aku sedang berpura pura
memerangi ke pura pura an

karena aku ingin pulang
ke rumah

yang belum pernah aku bangun.

Photo credit http://youtreau.tumblr.com/post/24796021538


 17 Juni 2016
Depok  - Bekasi
    Share |

It's your birthday,

Poems Friday, April 22, 2016
I celebrate your birthday by taking a long cold shower.
caressing all the corners of my body,
scent it with the most overpriced vanilla cream moist
and cleanse it with the softest cotton there ever was.

I celebrate your birthday by eating out at that seafood resto people are buzzing about.
ordered the most tantalizing menu on the list.
Forgetting you ever rejected my invitation to this.

I celebrate your birthday by the books I over-shelved
picking it with my good hands
wiping the dust over the sides
recalling all the lights it ever strives

I celebrate your birthday in a day
I smile politely and talk with laughter
I sleep a deep sleep and cry with fracture
I fear for I'm too happy even when you're nowhere near

It's your birthday
and  I celebrate it by giving myself a chance
to finally love myself.


sarahannida
Margonda Residence, 10.40PM
Happy Birthday!
    Share |

Teruntuk Yang Diperuntukan Bukan Untuk Saya

Poems Friday, April 01, 2016 
Dalam ruang ruang,
peluru memecah kebisingan 
dan kau yang berada di tengah tengah
hanya tertawa 
karena peluru itu bukan ditujukan padaku 
tapi aku yang jatuh paling jauh. 






Aku mempersingkat perjalanan mu 
di relung relung hati manusia terbuang, 
karena aku tahu bukan tempatmu berada disitu. 






Aku memutuskan bukan tempatku lagi 
untuk menikmati tawamu. 
Kagum ku lebih pantas dibuang,
merana di perandaian 
berharap ada waktu di lain
kehidupan.




Aku masih mencuri pandang, 
berdosa 
berharap bisa menjadi saksi 
secerca kebahagiaan mu. 




Tenggelam dalam cerita semu 
tentang kamu yang hanya ada di 
kepalaku.




Bukan salah siapa siapa, 
tetapi aku menolak lupa bahwa 
aku adalah manusia fana 
yang perasaannya muna 
dan aku lebih baik pergi 
daripada mempercayai
hati ku sendiri. 


 - 
seberapa banyak kebisingan ku 
tetap saja gema itu masih melagu 
menyanyikan kekosongan yang sejatinya 
ada di dalam aku 


siapa bilang segampang itu melupakan laraku?








sarahannida
(Depok, 30 Maret 2016)
( HHHHHHHHHH )
    Share |

hatiku sudah tidak bergetar

Poems Saturday, March 05, 2016 
 
aku iri

pada gitar
senar
hingar
bingar

hatiku sudah tidak lagi bergetar
daunku jatuh di perambaian

 gugur sudah semu
manismu ditelan kalbu
dan awan kelabu
yang mengiringi sedu

aku iri juga
pada hujan di bulan maret
yang tidak kunjung sudah
yang jatuh ke tanah


aku iri 
karena aku ingin jatuh se jatuh jatuhnya
atau tidak sama sekali



dan 
kini aku
mengambang
melayang
tak tahu
kapan
aku
akan
jatuh
lagi.
Depok, 3 Maret 2016
Sarah Annida H.H

    Share |

You’ll die at 23 on a Tuesday.

Friday, February 26, 2016
Those words come out of a nutshell. Those words come out of a life between lives. Those words you should not listen; in which we betray our consciousness and we still do. We conquer our fear and we get back up again but no, it will always linger like a pendulum. Perpetuating sadness and fear like they are a part of ourselves. It will never stop until the day it really happens.


The moment of crisis, I still remember
The house of shrieking memory
and black clouds

Man crying
Phone holding
And me, trying to make sense

That life is no more than waiting for death to happen. 
We all already died.
For me.

That is how I choose to live right now. 


Jakarta, 26 Februari 2016, 5:32 PM

(I should have been writing an essay instead of contemplating death)
(but still..)
sarahannida


    Share |

A note from two years ago

Wednesday, January 13, 2016
6 Januari 2014
(a friend of mine inspired me to upload this note, for when I think I need to remind myself)

I should keep thinking that life is interesting.

 I should see people and how they behave. I should see how they talk and communicate. I should pay attention to them. I should listen to their stories, their experiences, their plans. I should see if they are more or less. I should be silent in a group of people and see what they reveal. I should see all the reasons there is. I should watch people, I should laugh a lot. To know that I can not let life bore me because I am interested in living and being with people.
That way, I may not need a certain person to be interested in.

I can just watch my classmates laugh about a joke I don't understand and yet fascinated on how their laughter can make you laugh too. Or I can go out of class, find anyone who is available and talk to them and feel interested in their stories. I believe that way I wont be desperate to find the "Temporary-solace who one day can decide to leave you-and make you feel shit about yourself" that they call "lover".

I dont know why I'm writting this, I thought about it on an ojek on the way home. I guess writting has always been the solve to my problems. I wrote about things that broke my heart and things I fancy the most.I wrote what happened to me.

And I have wrote a lot.
    Share |
Powered by Blogger.