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Paroxysm

;A sudden, strong emotion.

That moment when paroxysm hit you, and you just want to kneed down and cry, ever experienced that?

That moment when all you ever wanted was right there, yet you cant even reach through it.

That moment, that special someone, who you thought was not special anymore.

That moment when you're not good enough,

And you know it.

Those times when you cant sok-sok an ga peduli lagi, because you do care.

I feel like an idiot, writing about insecurities all over again.

When they make you feel like you're an annoying dumbass

Because its traumatic. Having been told that what you do and say is always wrong makes you cautious about what you will do or say, fearing that it will hurt or annoy other. But being too aware of what you're going to do or say is a mistake itself because you almost messed up everything again, and you feel like a total idiot a total piece of shit and you're frustrated.

True, what my friend once say, it feels like a giant imaginary elephant is sitting on your chest, shrouding your lungs, suffocating you, making it hard to breath, and your tears start falling, and you want to laugh at yourself because there's no such thing as a giant imaginary elephant and youre just being an idiot, but you cant. Because those emotions are true.

But its alright.

Because I'm starting to get used to paroxysms.

22-10-12

@america

@home

And I watched you change. I dont know why. You're turning into someone I dont even know, you're not the you I met 3 years ago, the first year in junior high, you choose the seat behind me, with our friends we laugh, we talk, we became friends. Hey, I havent felt anything back then, all I know was you are a good friend. And I'm happy about that.

The second year, unexpectedly we share the same class again. We were so close, we talk about things, you thought me how to read guitar tabs, I share you some songs and you study the chords. Our class was the bomb, our friendship was too.You start to change physically and mentally, you grow, and I like that change of yours because you turn into someone better. And I like you. The end of that year, we sat next to each other, I said thankyou for being an obnoxious-irresponsible class captain, and you smiled and said okay. I knew you were a geat friend.

Third year, we didnt share the same class. We are still friends. And you were very lovely, you know? You treat your girlfriend verryyy right, well I thought that so untill you start dumping her like hell. What happened to the 'romantic-nice-heartful' you? And there you go...

I think at that momment you already knew how loveable you are.

This is the fourth year I have known you. You sadly didnt get the high school you were expecting and you get accepted in the same school as I do. We were like usual, friends, old friends. Untill then

We choose the same extraculicular, entered the same class organization. At first, it was okay, I remind you of meetings and blaahss, but I realized you never respect me. You're so nice to senior girls, you're so friendly to your new friends. But not to me. I may have annoy you I guess, I'm not that pretty so you get tired of me. You dont even bother to say thank you or those little things. Your words are rude. You dont listen to me. Almost all the time you disagreed.  I'm not good enough for you.



It wasnt just me. My friends felt that too. You change. You change. Why. Why it must be you. Why does it influence me so much. Why do I care. Why do you make me insecure.

Decided to leave it all behind, I act as usual, like nothing happened, like I dont care, like I'm not hurt, like I dont want you, like it wasnt a big deal..

But just so you know, If one day you realize that I havent talked to you in a while, it's not that I dont care. It's because you pushed me away and left me there.

But you're always going to be my friend. I'm going to be there for you if you need me. I dont need you to care or to be nice to me, but if you have anything to share, I'm always here. Glad to know you dude. Have a nice life.

Bye.

*And if you read this, you should have known...