Realizations: I can't believe I let 2017 pass me by just like that,
I only write here with a few posts, I only posted 12 pictures on my sarahannida instagram. I let life slide without sharing pictures and writing.
but I did share pictures, and I did write on many other platforms. I did find new things, and I did try to write what I learned by creating this post. I want myself to see it in the future, and remember the things I have to remember.
In the last seconds of 2017 or the first ones of 2018, I realized that my life is my first one ever, I have to live, and I only have these precious seconds gifted to me once. I realize that I have to own up my own life and my own mistakes and my own motivation or demotivations. I realize I have to take a closer look and pays more attention to my life. because this is my first life, it is more precious than ever.
I am confident with how I look. I realize that I cant remember when I started feeling this way but I remember my young self, looking at the mirror saying "hhmm I look okay tho?" and I only think about ways to improve since then, I started studying about makeup, and sometimes I used to do it wrongly and up until 1 Jan 2018 I never really do anything on my eyebrows. I still have a lot to learn and I sometimes forgot which combination of eyeshadow colors suits me best. I spend too much on them and have like 15 lip products and a brush set I never washed because I am too lazy. And then, come the world of skincare, I try out everything. I learned something new and became very passionate about it. I learned the world of Korean Skincare Routine, I learned the names of American's brand that serves only the ingredients our skin needed, I learned about how we can actually look at what are those chemicals doing to our skin on the internet. Yet, I still have breakouts, and I still struggle to find the right products that fit my budget category. I started to buy new toners and new sunscreens and then when they don't really do my face a favor, I quit and had a massive breakout. I started to rearrange my routine and learn everything again from zero.
When it comes to my body, I know I need to cut down on weight and fat. I know I am a small person in terms of height. I know I am not the prettiest figure when I use my clothes. The fact that my sister uses my clothes a lot and it looks better at her is always a wake-up call to me to take care of my body and another call to try and find new clothes that might look better for me. I know I have to go exercise to cut down my weight, yes I admit I want to look better, but I want to be fit and healthy more. Especially when I started to pant out of exhaustion when I took the stairs to the 3rd or even 2nd floor. And when I carried baby Aisha on my arms and felt my arms gonna fall out. I wanted to be strong and fit, so I can stand up in a concert with no exhaustion, or carry my own baby one day without back pains, or to just live my life without having to spend much on hospital bills.
Even when my standard of beauty shifted, I still have the need to detach myself from my looks. I think our body is just a body, and as long as I am fine with it, I am okay. I know, I still lack in many places. I know, I have to motivate myself to take care of the parts I often neglect. I know I have to go the long miles to pedicure my nails because I can't make it look as pretty as how the mba mba salon make, I know I have to cut my hair routinely to make it not as problematic as it is. What I do know too, is that there are some reasons why I am not doing it now. I know some of those things weren't my priorities and I know some of the reasons is that I am too lazy.
I have been called out, ridiculed by people and even my closest family, about how I look. I often take it to the heart. I often wanted to cry. but I knew and believe that It doesn't matter.
Yes, I am having breakouts now and I look so ugly compared to my sister, but my aunt doesn't know that I am taking small steps to cure it by cherishing my skin with products that can help it grow more healthy.
Yes, I am smaller than my cousin who just turned 13. but they don't know that there are maybe some men out there who have kinks out of shorter girls.
Yes, I am not fit into the world's standard of beautiful women right now. I know that. You don't have to say it out loud.
I know when I want to, I will eventually take steps towards making myself look more presentable. I know I will take steps to take care of many many parts of my body that need to be taken care of. I know I will have the time and money too.
I know, therefore I am. I know that I have been thinking for all my life about the world and I always manage to realize things. Realization. Kesadaran. Kesadaran on what I am doing, and feeling and thinking is not all me, I have influences from the outside world, and I realize that I am being influenced.I really have to realize what are those influences, took time to take control over it and decide whether it is an influence I wanted to keep or not. I have to try to not let everything outside of myself decide how I am going to feel, think do. And even if it does control me, I have to realize it.
I know exactly that I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I know that I have several aspirations but I haven't choose one to focus on. Heck, I don't know if I should focus on one or just do it all. I don't know, and therefore I know to always keep an open mind about everything in life.
I know I know I know, this isn't the last of this posts. I know I have too many things to remember about. I know I have to keep on learning and keep writing about what I have learned.
There is no such thing as stopping, I will keep on going.
