-: 2023

Let me write again about letting go.

Sunday, January 29, 2023

It was a sunny day, an old friend at commune, everything just slip out of my mouth, and this is what she says.

"I sense competitiveness"

".."

"from your own self, your past self"

i hate that its true, i keep saying you haven't met the new me yet.

But what if, it doesnt matter?

for years i have been wondering, making up scenarios, hoping, that when you see me you will see a better version of me. you will put two and two together. you will realise my worth.

but that exactly the thing i have to let go of. the longing not for you but for my ownself. the future me did not deserve to be burdened by my own expectations.

clearly, for what it seems, i am always a step closer to the ideal version, the me from my bubble i wrote years ago in this very blog. should i be proud? should i be celebrating?

but that is not the point, the point is wanting to be better so that i can show you i'm better will only result in hurt.

i should let myself go.

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Let me write about you before I let you go

Wednesday, January 04, 2023

My Dearest,

I just realized I never really write anything about how and why I have my eyes on you, and eventually my heart too. Before, I only keep writing about saying sorry, or about how it hurt me, or about things that will never happen.

I guess that is where I was wrong, I guess you would not be able to feel my sincerity as well, as I keep them behind doors, behind sarcastic laughter or behind a fast run upstairs upon seeing your face.

I know I never let you know just how much I admire you. I'm sorry again.

For the first time, let me rewind. I think its all a blur at this point? But I do remember you in a tiny uniform pranking my shoes with fake toys that I almost shed a tear because of how afraid little me of that animal. Or when the uniform was bright cream and brown and you will ask me questions on the desk about my ears. Or when I sigh at your face on the corridor and you do the same thing to me. I never understand childhood love, i still dont understand myself back then either.

I also remember talking about anything on our twitter dms, untill maybe you got sick of me. We would talk about many things, i may not remember much but I remember feeling happy.

I remember we taking a picture together on our breakfasting event. But I don't remember where the picture is.

I remember rooting for each other for college entrance exams, talking so many things online. Up until it gets to you, that you need to focus and I may be just a distraction.

I like you when you ask our group out to dinner, I never eat like that in my whole life. I was so shy, but I kept looking at you, I keep our knees together while waiting for my ride to come. Please know that's my roomate fling who picks me up while she waits in the car, i did not like him.

I like you.

Maybe that's why upon seing you with girls in your cafetaria I only say a brief hi and run away. You are too out of reach. I fear of how far we have drifted away.

I like how you sat beside me during the Hari Musik Nasional festival, but I'm too shy, I run away from my feelings.

I don't know where it all started, but i only remember warmth, fuzzy feelings, childhood nostalgia, jokes you sent to me, laughter, movies talks, music talks. I remember your sister name. I remember how fun it is having you talking to me up, until you choose not to.

I like how you stride in confidence. I like your smile in pictures. I like your silly jokes with your friends. I admire how you always keep a hobby with you, even how you keep your celebrity fan-boy phase on your instagram name. I like your broad shoulders, your love of travels, your love for your family. I like your youtube page. I like your excited voice when you talk about the things you like.

I like how every love song is suddenly about you. Every Taylor Swift lyrics i captioned my instagram posts with suddenly has you in it. Every ballads, every longing tune. I sing my heart out without you ever hearing it.

I like how suddenly my work friend knows about you, describe you as patriotic, popular and ambitious.

i admit i did not know much about you, that is why I really wanted to know you better. the 2023 version you, the 2024 version you. but if life did not think we should cross paths anymore, I only could sent a letter of my prayers.

I wish in happy and health, you will always find the strength to pass a rainy day. I wish sanana treat you warm, as warm as your mother's touch. I wish you can sleep at night without worries. I wish the sun can bless your day and protect you from mayhems. I wish you can bike all around the city you wanted without any accidents. I wish you can travel and take as many pictures as you like. I wish the songs they are playing in the radio suits your taste and soothe your ears. I wish you can make your father proud. I wish your family would expand and grow and give you something to look forward to going home. I wish your workloads get less and your pay gets better. I wish people will treat you with respect and acknowledge your talents. I wish you safe from people who are evil and cunning. I wish you are surrounded with humble, humanity and like-minded people.

I wish your heart never have to get hurt. I wish your life are serene and content. I wish even when you're an old granny you would not hurt your back so you can carry around your grandchildren in your backyard.

I wish in this lifetime you can get and do whatever you want.

and if my wishes came true; it would've been you.

0104 2023