It was a sunny day, an old friend at commune, everything just slip out of my mouth, and this is what she says.

"I sense competitiveness"

".."

"from your own self, your past self"

i hate that its true, i keep saying you haven't met the new me yet.

But what if, it doesnt matter?

.

.

for years i have been wondering, making up scenarios, hoping, that when you see me you will see a better version of me. you will put two and two together. you will realise my worth.

but that exactly the thing i have to let go of. the longing not for you but for my ownself. the future me did not deserve to be burdened by my own expectations.

clearly, for what it seems, i am always a step closer to the ideal version, the me from my bubble i wrote years ago in this very blog. should i be proud? should i be celebrating?

but that is not the point, the point is wanting to be better so that i can show you i'm better will only result in hurt.

i should let myself go.