After running a month or so, the "Comspire 2016" finally come to an end, and on the trip back home with sweaty attires and puffy eyes,  a conversation with Ka Mad struck as delirious.

We talked about how she find that her feelings can be immensely different when it comes to the love of her life at the moment. Of how she never thought that she will become a girl who had that much of a feeling that she can purposely give it all to love.

And she said that "The best kind of feeling is when you feel happy when he is happy even though you are drowsy as fuck that day"

And by the time I wrote this, I still wonder what kind of feeling can I describe as "the best"? And do I have ever felt any feelings that can surpass that highly unobjective standard? Do I want to have any feelings considered as love? What is the real meaning and definition of Love as a feeling? What kind of feeling is it? And do I want that kind of feelings?

To this day, I don't know what kind of love I'm looking for.

Do I want that ooshy mooshy, all touchy and Ludus kind of love? Or do I want that kind of Love when u hint that you are hungry they will come across oceans and bring u mozzarella pizza and that nasi uduk kebon kacang you have been craving?

Do I want that kind of love when you can talk as much all day about something and be completely silent the next day because you simply have nothing to talk about, and you both just let it flow?
Do I want that kind of love you fight for intensely? That tears and dramatic remarks, all from a guy who's love is a mystery.
Do I want that kind of love where you can be both happy and sad and tired together, challenging every dream, both as a couple or as an individual, coming home to realize that you are too tired to argue and you just both smile and say "Let's just sleep tonight."
Do I want that kind of love when.....

and the list will remain forever, until.

It was never a clear answer for me, all these questions piled up not because I questioned anyone's feelings for me, it is because I questioned my own feelings for anyone. For that person standing in front of me whom I thought I might love, for that person sitting in front of me whom I thought was made for me.

Bella added the conversation tonight with a little "Because love is not always about having"
.
For all the songs I cried to because they reminded me of the blurry perceptions, I want to say that I may not be able to say goodbye now. But believe me, I am in Repair.

The current playlist
"Strings Attached: To You"
Find me on spotify; Sarah Annida H.H 


Comspire 2016 has been a hell of a ride, a joyful one, but in order to keep a record, it is also the one full of lessons about feelings and humans.

Sleepy,
7 to 8 October 2016,
Cawang
sarahannida.