letters to the scenarios in my head

Monday, May 10, 2021

Sometimes i wonder if we will ever meet again? i always imagine an encounter with visualization straight out of those korean dramas. where the two main leads would meet again, under a seemingly ridicolous place, crossing each other path while the script took them to a twist of the timeline. under a shining light, with fallen leaves and a music only those two can hear. 


or have we did? have we already met? did we already have those kdrama scene? or we almost did? 


perhaps we did crossed our path, 

but maybe i just missed it. 


maybe we did meet on a ridiculous place i never thought of but i took a long fix on my shoes while you were passing by. 

maybe we did met at those crowded malls but you were looking at your phone to care for your surroundings. 

maybe our timeline just did not match. 


i have to tell you the truth, i sometimes took another look when i saw someone resembling you pass me by, ah...yes, i know the last time i saw you was years ago and i am not even sure how you look like right now, but i still do that. 


i would make hundreds of scenario in my head, and pry if it ever come true. 


i still do.



9 May 

4 am

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Remember those scenarios I made in my head?

Sunday, December 06, 2020

 well fuck, you're still the main character.


- after a conversation with sab about our past love stories. and after a couple of visit to fish videos on youtube.

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Sunday, December 06, 2020

Back then, 

Maybe


I didn't really like you. I just like seeing pretty things. 


Collect them like notebooks,

put it on a binder.


and when i start writting again

i still write about you.


- this words spins out of  my head on mid Q3 of 2020 when i think of the boys i loved. im sorry. 


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Remember this, Sarah

Very Personal Monday, January 01, 2018
Realizations: I can't believe I let 2017 pass me by just like that, 


I only write here with a few posts, I only posted 12 pictures on my sarahannida instagram. I let life slide without sharing pictures and writing.



but I did share pictures, and I did write on many other platforms. I did find new things, and I did try to write what I learned by creating this post. I want myself to see it in the future, and remember the things I have to remember.


In the last seconds of 2017 or the first ones of 2018, I realized that my life is my first one ever, I have to live, and I only have these precious seconds gifted to me once. I realize that I have to own up my own life and my own mistakes and my own motivation or demotivations. I realize I have to take a closer look and pays more attention to my life. because this is my first life, it is more precious than ever.

I am confident with how I look. I realize that I cant remember when I started feeling this way but I remember my young self, looking at the mirror saying "hhmm I look okay tho?" and I only think about ways to improve since then, I started studying about makeup, and sometimes I used to do it wrongly and up until 1 Jan 2018 I never really do anything on my eyebrows. I still have a lot to learn and I sometimes forgot which combination of eyeshadow colors suits me best. I spend too much on them and have like 15 lip products and a brush set I never washed because I am too lazy. And then, come the world of skincare, I try out everything. I learned something new and became very passionate about it. I learned the world of Korean Skincare Routine, I learned the names of American's brand that serves only the ingredients our skin needed, I learned about how we can actually look at what are those chemicals doing to our skin on the internet. Yet, I still have breakouts, and I still struggle to find the right products that fit my budget category. I started to buy new toners and new sunscreens and then when they don't really do my face a favor, I quit and had a massive breakout. I started to rearrange my routine and learn everything again from zero.

When it comes to my body, I know I need to cut down on weight and fat. I know I am a small person in terms of height. I know I am not the prettiest figure when I use my clothes. The fact that my sister uses my clothes a lot and it looks better at her is always a wake-up call to me to take care of my body and another call to try and find new clothes that might look better for me. I know I have to go exercise to cut down my weight, yes I admit I want to look better, but I want to be fit and healthy more. Especially when I started to pant out of exhaustion when I took the stairs to the 3rd or even 2nd floor. And when I carried baby Aisha on my arms and felt my arms gonna fall out. I wanted to be strong and fit, so I can stand up in a concert with no exhaustion, or carry my own baby one day without back pains, or to just live my life without having to spend much on hospital bills.

Even when my standard of beauty shifted, I still have the need to detach myself from my looks. I think our body is just a body, and as long as I am fine with it, I am okay. I know, I still lack in many places. I know, I have to motivate myself to take care of the parts I often neglect. I know I have to go the long miles to pedicure my nails because I can't make it look as pretty as how the mba mba salon make, I know I have to cut my hair routinely to make it not as problematic as it is. What I do know too, is that there are some reasons why I am not doing it now. I know some of those things weren't my priorities and I know some of the reasons is that I am too lazy. 

I have been called out, ridiculed by people and even my closest family, about how I look. I often take it to the heart. I often wanted to cry. but I knew and believe that It doesn't matter. 

Yes, I am having breakouts now and I look so ugly compared to my sister, but my aunt doesn't know that I am taking small steps to cure it by cherishing my skin with products that can help it grow more healthy.

Yes, I am smaller than my cousin who just turned 13. but they don't know that there are maybe some men out there who have kinks out of shorter girls.

Yes, I am not fit into the world's standard of beautiful women right now.  I know that. You don't have to say it out loud.

I know when I want to, I will eventually take steps towards making myself look more presentable. I know I will take steps to take care of many many parts of my body that need to be taken care of. I know I will have the time and money too.

I know, therefore I am. I know that I have been thinking for all my life about the world and I always manage to realize things. Realization. Kesadaran. Kesadaran on what I am doing, and feeling and thinking is not all me, I have influences from the outside world, and I realize that I am being influenced.I really have to realize what are those influences, took time to take control over it and decide whether it is an influence I wanted to keep or not. I have to try to not let everything outside of myself decide how I am going to feel, think do. And even if it does control me, I have to realize it. 

I know exactly that I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I know that I have several aspirations but I haven't choose one to focus on. Heck, I don't know if I should focus on one or just do it all. I don't know, and therefore I know to always keep an open mind about everything in life.

I know I know I know, this isn't the last of this posts. I know I have too many things to remember about. I know I have to keep on learning and keep writing about what I have learned. 

There is no such thing as stopping, I will keep on going.

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Maybe I am the bad guy

Very Personal Thursday, March 09, 2017
Selama ini kisah kasih yang aku beritakan kepada orang - orang terdekat terdengar seperti kisah memilukan tentang seorang perempuan yang menyimpan perasaan terhadap laki - laki berbahu lebar selama 12 tahun. Lalu akan di dendangkan kisah - kisah tentang hampir hampir yang akan membuat sebagian dari mereka tertawa karena kelakuan ku yang bodoh atau karena alur takdir yang kelihatannya, ya, tidak jodoh. 

Selanjutnya, lama akan tidak terdengar kisah dari ku, periode waktu ini akan diiringi dengan bincang - bincang tentang mungkin aku tidak pernah merasakan apa - apa. Mungkin perasaan ku aku projeksikan dari otak dan imajinasiku. Mungkin aku sedang lari dari sesuatu, dan memilih dia untuk membantu lariku. Mungkin memang kenyataanya dia hanya seorang teman baik yang aku ramu dengan berbagai bumbu cemburu.

Lalu, akan ada kisah tentang bagaimana aku tidak sengaja bertemu, atau memang sengaja bertemu, dan gemercik kecewa akan muncul karena dia berpura - pura tidak tahu. Mengenalku ia malu, begitu pikirku. Sempit dan buru - buru; aku putuskan aku harus bebas.

Namun tentunya tidak semudah itu. Apa yang dihindari akan semakin dekat. Apa yang ingin di lupa akan semakin nyata. Saat tiba waktu aku lupa, waktu yang memainkan peran miliknya. Ketika benar - benar lupa, takdir memunculkan persimpangan jalannya.

Lalu hari ini aku menapak jalan yang lengket. Tanah yang basah karena hujan menempel di sol sepatuku. Sembari menghindari lumpur, Fia berkata, "bagus lah kalau sudah tidak merasa apa - apa! Kenapa memang? Lo mau nya ada apa - apa ya?"

Iya. Aku memang seorang munafik.

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai katalis untuk merasa. Aku rasa, sebelum dia aku ingin sekali merasa. Aku ingin sekali dapat menulis tulisan tentang cinta. Aku ingin sekali bercerita tentang kisah kasih layaknya yang diceritakan orang - orang. Sayangnya, ia malah jadi objekku. 

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai cara untuk tidur di malam - malam dimana AC tidak dinyalakan tapi aku tetap kedinginan. Aku memimpikan dia sebagai cara untuk benar - benar tidur ketika mata menolak di padamkan sedangkan besok ada kelas jam delapan. Aku mendoakan dia untuk merasa aku ikhlas dan aku baik - baik saja. Aku menggunakan dia. Untuk kenyamananku sendiri.

Aku memerangkap dia di dalam sebuah gelombang frekuensi dimana hanya aku yang bisa akses. Aku meramu dan merusak kenyataan jadi imajinasi tentang figur yang ketidaksempurnaannya sempurna bagi aku. Aku menciptakan skenario menjadi naskah dan deskripsi karakter agar dia bisa hidup selamanya di pikiranku, walau kenyataanya dia bukanlah aktor dan hidup bukan pementasan drama. Tidak apa - apa, yang penting aku suka jalan ceritanya. 

Masalahnya bukan dia, bukan perasaan yang tidak resiprokal, bukan pula takdir. Tapi aku. Aku antagonis dalam kisah ini. Aku yang merangsek dan merusak. Aku yang membuat apapun yang ia lakukan salah di mataku. Aku yang egois.

Dan aku tidak bisa minta maaf.

9 Maret 2017
Hari Musik Nasional

sarahannida
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You don't know what's bad for you

Poems Thursday, February 09, 2017
Kamu seperti orang yang tidak bisa melihat hujan.

Mungkin karena malam itu terlalu gelap,
Atau karena kamu terlalu lama berteduh
Atau karena jarak mu terlalu jauh sehingga tidak bisa melihat rintik hujan
tanpa bantuan sinar lampu mobil yang kebetulan lewat.
Kamu keluar dari tempat berteduh berpikir hujan sudah berhenti
dan kamu melaju walau tau kamu tidak bisa kembali lagi

Hujan itu jatuhnya pelan
Dan tidak kelihatan
Tapi dinginnya menusuk
Sampai ke rusuk


Sayang,
apa jadinya kamu kalau tidak bawa jas hujan?

hujan deras, 
sarahannida
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Selesai

engkau Saturday, January 21, 2017
Aku kira dunia akan berubah semenjak hari di mana aku memutuskan untuk meninggalkan egoku.
Setidaknya aku kira dunia akan menjadi cerah warna - warni, atau gelap,murung dan abu abu, pokoknya di dua titik yang ekstrim itu.

Tapi yang aku temui adalah,
biru yang makin biru
mendung yang makin mendung
hijau yang makin hijau
terang yang semakin terang

Aku kira dunia akan berubah semenjak engkau resmi meninggalkan mimpi - mimpi ku, setidaknya akan ada badai salju di Bekasi, atau gratis parkir sebulan di UI, atau bahkan undangan pernikahan Fifi.

Tapi yang menunjukkan diri padaku adalah
gosip dan fakta,
mimpi dan makna,
tugas dan tahta


Aku bisa merasa lagi tanpa menunggu perutku mulas mulas
Semua yang hadir jadi lebih jelas.

Sarah A.H.H
Selesai.
Selamat Ulang Tahun!
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