A Scenario and a Bubble

Scenario Friday, January 20, 2017
Today, a friend from elementary school is holding a marriage reception.


I always imagined that day, when our little alumni group finally have to be reunited on our first wedding invitation, and I picture it clearly that it would be that particular friend who will be the first to wed from all of us.

I also imagined a clear scenario of how it will go. This scene consists of several characters. The main character is a girl with a beautiful hijab hanging on her shoulder, brown to be exact, paired with a white top that flowed perfectly, and a nicely tucked kain batik, with a pair of heels in normal heights. She is thin, but she is firm, in a very healthy figure. Not too tall, but not that small. She arrived perfectly on time at the meeting point, even before everyone else. She is the girl who does her friend's eye make-up, she is the girl who laughs the prettiest and she left her car for the sake of preserving the planet. 

And then there is a guy. He is the center of the laughter in the group. He is a tall, medium-skinned with broad shoulders and long arms. He wears a decent tuxedo he loves, like those ones Colin Firth wears on the movie 'Kingsman'.

There is also this guy who falls asleep every time he rides his motorbikes. So the guy with the tux came to pick him up with this two other guy, who basically lives off together as they share the same dorm since college, up to where they are currently pursuing their carrers. 

The girl and the guy meet under the bright lighting and shared a warm smile, they were in between buzzing friends so they do not share a conversation. The girl has pulled aside and had to pose for groupie picture. She poses, of course, and then grab something from her bag.She exclaimed "Girls, let's just take a picture with this" and the rest of the group smiles brightly because who would not love a fixed lens?

The guys are starring, with a huge inclination of envy, so this girl waves her hand and told them to join in. The group picture got bigger. Laughter bursts after each shutter. Everyone is busy chit chatting after they pose and the girl locks her eyes to those nicely fit tuxedo.

"You look neat." She throw a heartwarming joke,
"You look nice" He answers fastly, in between as if he was choking and almost get caught.
"You don't look so bad either with that tuxedo, you look like the movie, Kingsman" She answers, as fast as possible, not catching the awkwardness, "You used to love that movie, remember?"
" I still do." He smiles, " They make a sequel of them, you know"
"Oh My God that messy sequel. Hollywood really needs to stop making sequels to movies that do not need them.."
"Wait, what?? I thought it was a great movie"
"Maybe, in some parts, but in general, really?"
"Well, the action part kind of remind me of..."

So the conversation goes on, and they even sit down to talk. The guys came by and they join the talk, a lot more girls join in with their food and the group is fully chatty. After giving it some thought, the group decides to visit an old teacher couple living nearby and eat around afterward. At the car seating arrangements, this girl got ditched because her ride has to skip the visit and come home earlier. So with one car gone, they have to decide who drives which car and who sits in which. While she is searching for some spot for herself, the sleepy guy had to drive a long haired girl's car in who got her ankle hurt after falling down some steep stairs. The girl wanted to fill in the driver position but the guy in the tuxedo claims first, "Go and drive them, Sarah can come with me."

So she sits in the passenger's seat because the two bros and one more dark skinned guy occupy the back seats. They laugh around and talk about so many things. There is nothing in the air, the girl thought, this is new. 

A conversation came across about shoes, heels, in particular. 

" I see you wear your heels." He glances, "Any chance of appearing taller in photos?"
"Not a chance." She waves her head, "It never really works. Now I just wish I did not end up hurt like Nabila."

She wishes for the right thing, for once she opens the car door, she failed to avoid a rock and her heels split, making sure she fall down, although her reflexes helped her to get back up quickly.

"What happened?" The guys gather around. The guy with the tux leave his white undershirt and replace the tux with a blue denim shirt instead. He came hurriedly to her door.

"My heels just broke"
"Now we're talking." one of the guys looked in disbelief, "two accidents in a row, what a surprise." He despised heels, probably.
"Are you ok?" The blue shirt guy kneels in front of her as she leans to the seat with the door wide open. He touches her foot, her ankle, "does this hurt?"
"A bit" she quivered more from the touch than from the pain so she said, "I am fine, tho, I now just need something to wear. Do you keep any sandals in your car?"
"Well... yes, but they are mine"
"Hm.. so, can I borrow them?"
"I mean...they are mine,, so they are big" he clearly looks confused.
"Well, let's see how big they are, so.." She takes a look at the car, "where do you keep them?"
He pointed across and she examines them as soon as she gets up. She found a pair of sneakers, sandals and small tiny flip flops, probably his sister's belonging. "These must be your sister's" she murmured, and picks up the sandals instead, "this could do, right?" showing it to the guys. Ignoring them starring, she wears them. Its huge, but that's fine, she thought. She only needs to walk down a few steps to reach the doors and anything would be fine to wear. 

"You're weird" 
"Yep, she's a weird one"
"Suit yourself, girl ha ha" 

The guys and the girl exchange glances and she knew what it was, all tree of them laugh of how silly it looked like, and she had just nothing up her sleeves to get mad.

The denim guy, reacted, with the most fine line of possibilities
"You remember my sister?"
The girl replies, with an attitude, "Duh, of course, I do!"

----------


Remember the first part of the post? When I said that someone from my elementary school is getting married today, it's the exact person from this scenario. Yes, today, this scenario came true.

Not most of them tho, actually, not any of them.

The long haired girl is wearing a hijab. The sleepy guy did not take a chance to help the driving arrangement. The denim guy pays no attention. The bros are the nicest. The dark skinned guy helped the conversation going. The fixed lens does not exist.

And that is probably okay.

But I was late, I missed to put my makeup pouch to my bag, I am fairly small and round, my heels aren't right, I still can not drive. I have no pretty laugh ( I laugh like a horse).  I am nothing like the girl in my imagination.

I live within bubbles.

I asked a friend about this, and she replied with our most well-said catchphrase. "Don't we all?"

Don't we all had that bubbles above our heads that are filled with what we thought would be the best that could happened? Those bubbles are also filled with the image of the person that we wanted to become. Those bubbles are filled with ideals, imagination, perfection and subjectivity. Those bubbles we never able to popped and shrink into reality.

They say you can start to change your life if you want to, you can live the life you wanted to live. You are only a choice away.

 But as the bubbles keep on flying...

-----------------



The teachers provided them with food so they do not need to eat out. The group are very happy and laugh around so loud. Everyone is happy.

The time to come home is near, the driving arrangement did not change. The girl is still in the guy's car, as he dropped the other's first, and her the later. She showed the road to her grandmother house. He asked for a chance to take a pee. She offered him a meal. And they end up watching a movie on her laptop instead.


-----------------------

... I still could not get a grip on the ground










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Salah Siapa

thoughts Monday, January 09, 2017

Manusia tidak mau mengakui mereka bersalah. Manusia melemparkan kesalahan kepada manusia lain, yang juga tidak terima dirinya dibilang bersalah. Lalu berputarlah arus Kesalahan, semua saling menyerukan Kesalahan satu sama lain. Menepis dan tidak mengakui, atau mengiyakan tapi menunjukkan bahwa ada Kesalahan yang lebih fatal dari pada Kesalahan yang ia buat. Begitu terus sampai mereka kehabisan Kesalahan untuk di salah salahkan. Sehingga ada satu Manusia bijak yang akhirnya berkata,



"Sudah sudah, ini bukan salah siapa - siapa"

Yang secara sederhana berarti,
ini salah kita semua.
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Birthdays

Personal Rants Friday, December 30, 2016
There are no such things as birthdays. They were just days. Dates. Another passing -sun -up -sun - down. Another pattern.

People celebrate them, nonetheless. I did too.

They shower each other with gifts and pearls and elegant decorations. They wear beautiful silk dresses, fitting their curves and edges. They hug their loved ones. They took photos, upload it so the world could know, and celebrate every engagement it has reached.

(Not that it's a bad thing, tho. I am sorry if I wrote 'they' as a perspective, it is because I haven't done anything like that before. Well, who knows, I probably will in the future)

I did too, I celebrate mine every year. Last year it was indomie jumbo for breakfast. Today, it was McDonald's hot pancake with maple syrup and melted butter.

When I was younger, birthdays are all about opening gifts and collecting gift cards. Taping them on my cupboard as a souvenir afterward. We always gather at my grandma's house. My auntie and uncle will have to buy my younger sister a present too every December. My sister and I will race to unwrap the gifts, get surprised about what is in it and then have pretty pictures taken of us.

Sometimes it's all about cakes, and what is written on it. Other times it was all about parties, magicians, and showing off to your neighboring kids.

As you grow older, families grew apart. Gifts are no longer wrapped in fancy paper because its a waste of money and time. Most of the time they give you the money and you buy what you wanted on your own. Real calls transformed into window chats. Tears turn into emojis. Hugs turn into Cony and Brown.

Surprises will only surprise you when you have no clue. Most of the time they asked, what do you want for your birthday this year? Where are you going on your birthday this year? This, of course will eliminate all the difficulties and the disappointment of not getting the exact thing you want as a present.

And then, only real people who matter are the ones who get the memo to the party. Not a party tho, just a small get-together, with you, happily paying the bills. Pictures at the photo box is a must. Cakes and cupcakes aren't tho, because they can easily be replaced with anything creative.

I am not a person to get what I wanted as a present for my birthday, WELL, I know what I wanted to have. I eye on many things, and many people who asked me knew too. But my parents does not have to, they have given me life already. So I calmly come to wherever they wanted to go on my birthday trips.

But I do know what I picture as a perfect birthday this year. Just me, watching my Korean dramas, finishing my books that are piling up on the corner of my room, and an 8-hour sleep.

And attention. Showers of prayers and kind words from those faces who matters.

I got lots of them. Nice words I capture and save to keep on an album I made for me to see when I feel bad about myself.

But some faces, I still yearn.
Last year it was him. This year it was you.


And none of them come true.

Then, it came to me.

If birthdays is about pampering yourself, showering yourself with love and care, and letting yourself believe that you are special, why can't it be every day? Or any day?
If I woke up one day on April and decided to eat Pancakes for breakfast and Waffles for dinners, I do not sin, right?

I am going to do things that make me happy on my entire life, not only a day. If you did not wish me kind words today that would be okay, because you can do it tomorrow, or any day given. If today there are no get-togethers, or beautiful gift wraps, that is okay. If the books haven't been read today, it's okay. If I was not the happiest or the prettiest today, it's okay. 
Heck yeah, I have 365 days a year to do it.


Wouldn't it be fun? Having parents wish you kind words every day, give you wonderful surprise presents in random months of the year, throwing off gatherings and taking beautiful pictures, the whole year. I intend to be that kind of parent, so my kids won't be expectant every year for their birthdays, they will just see the day as it is,

They are just days.
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A heart that changes after a year.

Personal Rants Monday, December 26, 2016
If you look back, what were you doing last year?
I was making some presentation design, after a meeting with a friend, she inspires me to try new things. I decided to like my new kind of style and implements it in almost a semester of mind - mapping designs.

Today, I would say that kind of style is outdated. I cringe and throw off many sets of styles for I have not find my own. I felt no desire to style any presentation now. And as I think about it, it is because I gave up on searching.
If you look back, how do you feel last year?
I ended up seeking for someone's attention because I am running away from my feelings to someone else. I put an end to it, months later, and declare myself  "Desperately seeking no one." With an empty heart, thinking there is no way to feel anything anymore.

Today, I no longer feel butterflies on my stomach, or elephants thumping on my chest. I felt a river  of blood running through my veins with an intense speed all over my body that I can even still feel it now, tingling in my toes. 

Seeing 2016 as a year,
I will probably have a tough way addressing it. Because it was not on an extreme. It was not a great year, I suffer and saw those closest to me suffered. I worked up at a lot of things, took trips to hospitals, does so many wrong doings, having people talked blatantly through my mistakes, and cried a lot, too.

But I can't call it an awful year too, because it was also a year where my heart changes

And to be not only thankful but also, to prevent myself being forgetful, I am going to write the things that have changed me this year.

1. HMIK UI 2016


A place where I learn not only truth about the world and other people, but also, a little bit of myself. It is a home where the windows are opening, the doors are strong, and the blankets are tender, sincere and full of compassions. 

and also a very tiring-full of lessons-sweats-and-sneers, journey.

2. RTC UI FM

The sum of my productivity. A practical and professional learning place. A place where my mental strengths are to be tossed around and built upon. A place to work on my two-cents. And to put it off, another place of warm faces and good intentions I will probably need in the future.

(I desperately need)

3. Comspire 2016

Why would I write about a freaking OSPEK as a reason that changes me this year?
It is because of relations.

The basic theme of the event itself is indeed, relations. To be blunt, it was actually not only for those who are the targets of the events, but it is for anyone who partakes in it.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to meet amazing new faces, faces I always thought irrelevant, faces I never ever seen before, and I also get to know what are the things you have to know in perceiving new faces that are coming.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to witness ideas, perseverances, friendships... all that leads to victories. Of my own, and of the thing that matters the most to the heart of the place.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to find new supporting system(s) : 

4. My support system: The Universe

It is only in these last few days of 2016 that I realize that the universe always showing its good nature: that it wasn't at all conspiring against you, it stands by your back. The universe, and the people in it.




The sky and the clouds, which presents themselves as fairly brilliant in making you gasps and awe every time you look up to the sky these few weeks, has been a best of a friend. For as I stopped and think, they are the sole reason of why some of my good days started off as soon as I stepped out of my house.

There are also those people, my whole supporting system. My parents, my family, and those who always stick around. Most of the supporting system, which I can't name all of them, are also there on the upper side of the list. They are those who back me up when I am being my deadliner self. They who caters all my needs when I have no time (or willingness) to do it for myself. Those who answers the phone when I am about to cry, and talk my tears out of it. Those who keep on reciting all the words in highlights even when I dozed off asleep. Those who I can count on being professional and fun at the same time. Those people I relentlessly spend a whole day with. Those people who talk to me on the canteen ground, from serious conversations, to laughter about parodies and jinxes. Those people whom I can spend doing so many things together with. Those people who tirelessly taught me everything I need to know. Those people who respond to my endless need to talk about lippies product so I can get my mind off of things. Those people who listen and help me organize my feelings. Those people I share bumpy train rides with. Those people that don't vent even when I am bothering their place just to get my paper done at 3 am in the morning. Those people I can talk to every day even when they are miles away. Those who lets their houses be a place for wandering souls to stay. Those people who remind me of simple things I should do, like tying my shoe, or finishing a meal. Those people who let me stay dan learn things from them. Those people who doesn't mind hanging around a junior like me. Those people who makes me laugh at incredibly anything. Those people who wait on you at night on campus to accompany your train ride back home.









Those people, are the ones that taught me so many things about life. They made me see the world differently, through their eyes. Some of them suffer so much this year. Those suffering I don't even believe can be happening in real life, to a girl, my age, in this kindred year of 2016. But through them, I learn, I see the world as it is. That there is no such thing as black and white, we are always compromising. We live in 'in betweens'. And every other person on the planet is facing a real struggle of their own, and sometimes, you just need, to be honest and share your thoughts with other people to feel less of the burden.

Sometimes it does sound presumptuous to say it, but it is very nice, to have them listened to me. They are my reason to be strong, because whenever I feel like the world has gotten the best of me, I remember them. I remember those strong people, those faces, those struggles, and those promises and premises about life we had after the 'talk'. To be blunt, it does sound like a dismay; reflecting upon other people's sorrows, expecting out from people around you instead out from yourself, and neglecting the fact that people aren't always gonna be there for you. But, I found out that there is so much goodness can be found, scattered around these faces, and all around us. Sometimes we took it for granted. We somehow forgot even the smallest face that we saw every day are the ones that had been supporting us, like a backbone. Somehow if we took the time to appreciate and really look, we might find small acts of kindness that are hidden from our eyes that can be our new source of strength. ( I found one on an ojek ride to home yesterday, when the driver remembers me clearly from one and a half year ago - as a 81 SHS grader, and is now relieved that I am a college student of the biggest campus in the state ). Anything could be our everything. The task is, I guess, to keep seeing things like them and keep on being thankful. These words and these faces I am writing about now might change and disappear at any given moment in the future, but there is nothing wrong in believing, that I might find it again. In any new faces I will meet, or places not yet to be accounted for, or in the house of a long lost family. Anything is possible.

What I hope after writing this is a few of these people and faces that I let read this realize that it is an open letter to each and every one of them. A letter of me saying tons of gratitude, for being there, or just for simply existing. A letter of me reminding them to seek out their multiple sources of strengths. A letter of me telling them just how beautiful the world I am seeing now because of the help of their good intentions, and a letter of me hoping that I might have any chance in helping them see theirs too.


So, how about 2017?

I am going to ask myself this every day next year, what were you doing last year? what were you feeling last year? what was happening this time last year? 

No, not to make myself nostalgic and whatsoever, but just to count how much I have changed, how many things I have learned and how I adapt to changes of those around me. Sometimes, it also can help me to count the things I have to be grateful for. Because so many times I tend to forget about being a thankful freeloader-human being of this mundane life God has given me.

It is also a tool I create to map out where and how my supporting systems are doing.

I am going to keep track of myself, and my universe(s) next year. I am going to write. Write, not only about the world but also about myself and make lists, of things that are precious to me and be very well informed of what is going on to those around me. I am going to focus on feelings, and people.

 My people.

 Because they deserve a whole lot of it.

24 - 26 December 2016
Bekasi
sarahannida



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2:11 am

engkau Saturday, December 10, 2016
Malam ini aku tidak bisa tidur,
aku mencoba mencari frasa yang tepat untuk menulis tentang engkau lagi
Entah kenapa mawar itu tidak juga gugur
Padahal seharusnya ia tahu diri



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Yang tidak disukai

daftar Thursday, December 01, 2016
Ia tidak suka rambut yang menyembul diantara kerudung hitam yang terlalu jauh ditarik kebelakang,
Ia tidak suka tali sepatu yang menjuntai tak diikat sempurna,
Ia tidak suka sampah yang berserakan,
Ia tidak suka makanan yang kamu sisakan,
Ia tidak suka kelas yang waktunya memotong adzan,
...
Akan selalu aku catat dan aku ingat daftar panjang tentang hal - hal yang Ia tidak suka ini
Karena mungkin belum saatnya
untuk mencari apa yang Ia sukai



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Prasangka Buruk

engkau Sunday, November 20, 2016

Di matamu aku
Anak kecil
Bau tengik
Ingusan
Asal meracau
Tak punya risau
Gelagat malu malu
Pura pura tidak tahu
Menganggu
Sakit melulu


Pokoknya tidak relevan
Untuk engkau tulis di naskah buku harian
yang akan kau terbitkan tahun depan.



- Prasangka buruk 10 November 2016-


sarahannida,
(panik sampai ubun - ubun, semoga besok baik baik saja.)

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