We talked about how she find that her feelings can be immensely different when it comes to the love of her life at the moment. Of how she never thought that she will become a girl who had that much of a feeling that she can purposely give it all to love.
And she said that "The best kind of feeling is when you feel happy when he is happy even though you are drowsy as fuck that day"
And by the time I wrote this, I still wonder what kind of feeling can I describe as "the best"? And do I have ever felt any feelings that can surpass that highly unobjective standard? Do I want to have any feelings considered as love? What is the real meaning and definition of Love as a feeling? What kind of feeling is it? And do I want that kind of feelings?
To this day, I don't know what kind of love I'm looking for.
Do I want that ooshy mooshy, all touchy and Ludus kind of love? Or do I want that kind of Love when u hint that you are hungry they will come across oceans and bring u mozzarella pizza and that nasi uduk kebon kacang you have been craving?
Do I want that kind of love when you can talk as much all day about something and be completely silent the next day because you simply have nothing to talk about, and you both just let it flow?
Do I want that kind of love you fight for intensely? That tears and dramatic remarks, all from a guy who's love is a mystery.
Do I want that kind of love where you can be both happy and sad and tired together, challenging every dream, both as a couple or as an individual, coming home to realize that you are too tired to argue and you just both smile and say "Let's just sleep tonight."
Do I want that kind of love when.....
and the list will remain forever, until.
It was never a clear answer for me, all these questions piled up not because I questioned anyone's feelings for me, it is because I questioned my own feelings for anyone. For that person standing in front of me whom I thought I might love, for that person sitting in front of me whom I thought was made for me.
Bella added the conversation tonight with a little "Because love is not always about having"
.
For all the songs I cried to because they reminded me of the blurry perceptions, I want to say that I may not be able to say goodbye now. But believe me, I am in Repair.
The current playlist
"Strings Attached: To You"
Find me on spotify; Sarah Annida H.H
Comspire 2016 has been a hell of a ride, a joyful one, but in order to keep a record, it is also the one full of lessons about feelings and humans.
Sleepy,
7 to 8 October 2016,
Cawang
sarahannida.
Cosmogyral. I admit I never really explain to anyone why I choose that term over many of my social media presence. Sadly the reason was because I have no reason, I just happen to like the sound of it. Well, I was young back then and that was the predicament of my thinking process.
Cosmogyral is a term that means whirling around the universe. I was kind of into constellations-ish words back then so I fell in love with that word I found on a blog, which main activity was to post rare but meaningful words that will probably inspire tons of hipsters and poetic personas. Yes, I was that cliché back then ( I have said it a thousand time ). Years passed and I finally came into the real meaning of the word and why I am so very attached to it.
It was my life, I was in that kind of condition. I am whirling around the universe, I have no idea which galaxy I belong to so I am just pretending the whole universe is my home. And whirl around it. I never land on anywhere, I don't know where I am going. I float around all over the sky.
Reflecting back on reality, I pretty much whirl around everything. I am all over the place, I took works that spark my interests just for the hang of it. And sometimes I know I am overwhelmed by the tasks. I actually select works that will benefit different aspects for me and my soft skill in the making but the term procrastinating and mismanaging put me in a tight spot. I am all over the place, and my biggest fear is that I may not contribute anything worthwhile to it.
People will expect you to do a decent job just because they think you are capable. There are some people who have high expectation when you joined their team and it will be hard to keep it up if you drown yourself in the thought that you can't do that much. If I ever learn anything from my first year of college, is you will always find time to work on it despite the crazy chaotic schedule lined up for a day. If you reflect back, there are always a purpose in which why you are whirling towards a certain constellation on the universe, stars drift around galaxies and the universe expands in a not so ordinary way in order to keep the chaos in order. And you will also have to find that order under all the chaos, whirling around or walking straight.
I am currently whirling around, just far enough to find my spot. But even if it may take a while, I will find my pattern. I will find another meaning to Cosmogyral, and drift the heck out of it.
This is a note to myself; Get shit done.
|
Aku masih mencari dimana aku bisa mencari mu
Disela – sela ruang udara antara gubahan para pujangga abad ini
Diantara baris baris puisi yang dibaca para penikmat seni
Diantara kalimat sendu yang kau unggah tiga belas bulan yang
lalu
Diantara langit dan senyum malu malu mu
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aku bisa menyangka, aku berlari ke tempat yang sama, ternyata, walau hari telah berganti bulan dan tahun berganti masehi. Rapuh ku masih dalam ruang yang sama, mencoba keluar dari perandaian. Aku belum cukup dewasa, Aku belum belajar dari kesalahan yang lama. Aku hanya kembali memutar asa, kepada relung hati yang sama, ekspektasi yang sama, tingkah laku yang sama.
Aku berlari dari, lagi – lagi, ketakutan yang sama. Harusnya
bukan pada kamu aku berlari, bukan?
Aku tidak seharusnya mencari dimana aku bisa mencari mu. Aku
harusnya mencari diriku sendiri. Diriku yang tersebar di ratusan bit dan coin.
Di antara kode asing dalam dunia ciptaan manusia. Bersembunyi dibalik mimpi buruk ku
semalam yang membangunkanku seperti komentar rancu yang kau tinggalkan di
halaman seseorang, yang menunggu kau hapus dan hilangkan dari dunia. Selamanya.
Apa mungkin aku menemukanmu? Bagaimana mungkin aku menemukan bagian dari dirimu yang aku cari ? Bagaimana mungkin menemukan hal yang hilang dari dirimu ketika kau tidak tahu bahwa kau kehilangan sesuatu? Apakah kau benar benar hidup, di diriku?  |
| designspiration.net: https://picdit.net/2015/03/19/painter-zac-roz/ |
Unfinished diary
17 - 18 Juni 2016
Bekasi
sarahannida
Asing
Aku ingin pulang
Pada pelukan hangat seprai bau milik ibu
Pada peluh keringat karena kipas angin ruang tv yang rusak melulu
Pada satu titik keseimbangan yang aku buat buat sendiri
untuk menenangkan hati karena siapa juga yang mau mengunjungi
rumah rusak dengan lantai berdebu dan halaman yang belum sempat di hiasi
Aku akan pulang
menjauh dari kepura pura an yang menyelimutiku
seperti kabut pagi menyelimuti kota Depok.
Tidak ada kabut pada pagi hari di Kota Depok, bukannya?
iya, tidak ada.
Aku sedang berpura pura
memerangi ke pura pura an
karena aku ingin pulang
ke rumah
yang belum pernah aku bangun.
17 Juni 2016
Depok - Bekasi
Pada pelukan hangat seprai bau milik ibu
Pada peluh keringat karena kipas angin ruang tv yang rusak melulu
Pada satu titik keseimbangan yang aku buat buat sendiri
untuk menenangkan hati karena siapa juga yang mau mengunjungi
rumah rusak dengan lantai berdebu dan halaman yang belum sempat di hiasi
Aku akan pulang
menjauh dari kepura pura an yang menyelimutiku
seperti kabut pagi menyelimuti kota Depok.
Tidak ada kabut pada pagi hari di Kota Depok, bukannya?
iya, tidak ada.
Aku sedang berpura pura
memerangi ke pura pura an
karena aku ingin pulang
ke rumah
yang belum pernah aku bangun.
 |
| Photo credit http://youtreau.tumblr.com/post/24796021538 |
17 Juni 2016
caressing all the corners of my body,
scent it with the most overpriced vanilla cream moist
and cleanse it with the softest cotton there ever was.
I celebrate your birthday by eating out at that seafood resto people are buzzing about.
ordered the most tantalizing menu on the list.
Forgetting you ever rejected my invitation to this.
I celebrate your birthday by the books I over-shelved
picking it with my good hands
wiping the dust over the sides
recalling all the lights it ever strives
I celebrate your birthday in a day
I smile politely and talk with laughter
I sleep a deep sleep and cry with fracture
I fear for I'm too happy even when you're nowhere near
It's your birthday
and I celebrate it by giving myself a chance
to finally love myself.
sarahannida
Margonda Residence, 10.40PM
Happy Birthday!
Dalam ruang ruang,
peluru memecah kebisingan
dan kau yang berada di tengah tengah
hanya tertawa
karena peluru itu bukan ditujukan padaku
tapi aku yang jatuh paling jauh.
Aku mempersingkat perjalanan mu
di relung relung hati manusia terbuang,
karena aku tahu bukan tempatmu berada disitu.
Aku memutuskan bukan tempatku lagi
untuk menikmati tawamu.
Kagum ku lebih pantas dibuang,
merana di perandaian
berharap ada waktu di lain
kehidupan.
Aku masih mencuri pandang,
berdosa
berharap bisa menjadi saksi
secerca kebahagiaan mu.
Tenggelam dalam cerita semu
tentang kamu yang hanya ada di
kepalaku.
Bukan salah siapa siapa,
tetapi aku menolak lupa bahwa
aku adalah manusia fana
yang perasaannya muna
dan aku lebih baik pergi
daripada mempercayai
hati ku sendiri.
-
seberapa banyak kebisingan ku
tetap saja gema itu masih melagu
menyanyikan kekosongan yang sejatinya
ada di dalam aku
siapa bilang segampang itu melupakan laraku?
sarahannida
(Depok, 30 Maret 2016)
( HHHHHHHHHH )
aku iri
pada gitar
senar
hingar
bingar
hatiku sudah tidak lagi bergetar
daunku jatuh di perambaian
gugur sudah semu
manismu ditelan kalbu
dan awan kelabu
yang mengiringi sedu
aku iri juga
pada hujan di bulan maret
yang tidak kunjung sudah
yang tidak kunjung sudah
yang jatuh ke tanah
karena aku ingin jatuh se jatuh jatuhnya
atau tidak sama sekali
dan
kini aku
mengambang
melayang
tak tahu
kapan
aku
akan
jatuh
lagi.
Depok, 3 Maret 2016
Sarah Annida H.H