caressing all the corners of my body,
scent it with the most overpriced vanilla cream moist
and cleanse it with the softest cotton there ever was.
I celebrate your birthday by eating out at that seafood resto people are buzzing about.
ordered the most tantalizing menu on the list.
Forgetting you ever rejected my invitation to this.
I celebrate your birthday by the books I over-shelved
picking it with my good hands
wiping the dust over the sides
recalling all the lights it ever strives
I celebrate your birthday in a day
I smile politely and talk with laughter
I sleep a deep sleep and cry with fracture
I fear for I'm too happy even when you're nowhere near
It's your birthday
and I celebrate it by giving myself a chance
to finally love myself.
sarahannida
Margonda Residence, 10.40PM
Happy Birthday!
Dalam ruang ruang,
peluru memecah kebisingan
dan kau yang berada di tengah tengah
hanya tertawa
karena peluru itu bukan ditujukan padaku
tapi aku yang jatuh paling jauh.
Aku mempersingkat perjalanan mu
di relung relung hati manusia terbuang,
karena aku tahu bukan tempatmu berada disitu.
Aku memutuskan bukan tempatku lagi
untuk menikmati tawamu.
Kagum ku lebih pantas dibuang,
merana di perandaian
berharap ada waktu di lain
kehidupan.
Aku masih mencuri pandang,
berdosa
berharap bisa menjadi saksi
secerca kebahagiaan mu.
Tenggelam dalam cerita semu
tentang kamu yang hanya ada di
kepalaku.
Bukan salah siapa siapa,
tetapi aku menolak lupa bahwa
aku adalah manusia fana
yang perasaannya muna
dan aku lebih baik pergi
daripada mempercayai
hati ku sendiri.
-
seberapa banyak kebisingan ku
tetap saja gema itu masih melagu
menyanyikan kekosongan yang sejatinya
ada di dalam aku
siapa bilang segampang itu melupakan laraku?
sarahannida
(Depok, 30 Maret 2016)
( HHHHHHHHHH )
aku iri
pada gitar
senar
hingar
bingar
hatiku sudah tidak lagi bergetar
daunku jatuh di perambaian
gugur sudah semu
manismu ditelan kalbu
dan awan kelabu
yang mengiringi sedu
aku iri juga
pada hujan di bulan maret
yang tidak kunjung sudah
yang tidak kunjung sudah
yang jatuh ke tanah
karena aku ingin jatuh se jatuh jatuhnya
atau tidak sama sekali
dan
kini aku
mengambang
melayang
tak tahu
kapan
aku
akan
jatuh
lagi.
Depok, 3 Maret 2016
Sarah Annida H.H
Those words come out of a nutshell. Those words come out of a life between lives. Those words you should not listen; in which we betray our consciousness and we still do. We conquer our fear and we get back up again but no, it will always linger like a pendulum. Perpetuating sadness and fear like they are a part of ourselves. It will never stop until the day it really happens.
The moment of crisis, I still remember
The house of shrieking memory
and black clouds
Man crying
Phone holding
And me, trying to make sense
That life is no more than waiting for death to happen.
We all already died.
For me.
That is how I choose to live right now.
Jakarta, 26 Februari 2016, 5:32 PM
(but still..)
sarahannida
(a friend of mine inspired me to upload this note, for when I think I need to remind myself)
I should keep thinking that life is interesting.
I should see people and how they behave. I should see how they talk and communicate. I should pay attention to them. I should listen to their stories, their experiences, their plans. I should see if they are more or less. I should be silent in a group of people and see what they reveal. I should see all the reasons there is. I should watch people, I should laugh a lot. To know that I can not let life bore me because I am interested in living and being with people.
That way, I may not need a certain person to be interested in.
I can just watch my classmates laugh about a joke I don't understand and yet fascinated on how their laughter can make you laugh too. Or I can go out of class, find anyone who is available and talk to them and feel interested in their stories. I believe that way I wont be desperate to find the "Temporary-solace who one day can decide to leave you-and make you feel shit about yourself" that they call "lover".
I dont know why I'm writting this, I thought about it on an ojek on the way home. I guess writting has always been the solve to my problems. I wrote about things that broke my heart and things I fancy the most.I wrote what happened to me.
And I have wrote a lot.
You should have been proud that I turn to books, not cigarettes
You should have been happy that I spend my money on bags, not liquor
But what do I get in return?
Not a single form of appreciation
Merangkak, membakar
Kembali ke akar
Bersatu
atau berdiri satu satu
Menjadi tau
Atau berpura pura tau
Kami disini
belum punya bentuk
Kami disini hanya meliuk - liuk
Kami masih berlari
Menuju tanpa batas
Entah kapan kami
Sampai
3 Oktober 2015
sarahannida
I'm officially a member of Keluarga Besar Komunikasi UI.
The University of Indonesia,
Communication Studies 2015:)