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Realizations: I can't believe I let 2017 pass me by just like that, 

In the last seconds of 2017 or the first ones of 2018, I realized that my life is my first one ever, I have to live, and I only have these precious seconds gifted to me once. I realize that I have to own up my own life and my own mistakes and my own motivation or demotivations. I realize I have to take a closer look and pays more attention to my life. because this is my first life, it is more precious than ever.

I am confident with how I look. I realize that I cant remember when I started feeling this way but I remember my young self, looking at the mirror saying "hhmm I look okay tho?" and I only think about ways to improve since then, I started studying about makeup, and sometimes I used to do it wrongly and up until 1 Jan 2018 I never really do anything on my eyebrows. I still have a lot to learn and I sometimes forgot which combination of eyeshadow colors suits me best. I spend too much on them and have like 15 lip products and a brush set I never washed because I am too lazy. And then, come the world of skincare, I try out everything. I learned something new and became very passionate about it. I learned the world of Korean Skincare Routine, I learned the names of American's brand that serves only the ingredients our skin needed, I learned about how we can actually look at what are those chemicals doing to our skin on the internet. Yet, I still have breakouts, and I still struggle to find the right products that fit my budget category. I started to buy new toners and new sunscreens and then when they don't really do my face a favor, I quit and had a massive breakout. I started to rearrange my routine and learn everything again from zero.

When it comes to my body, I know I need to cut down on weight and fat. I know I am a small person in terms of height. I know I am not the prettiest figure when I use my clothes. The fact that my sister uses my clothes a lot and it looks better at her is always a wake-up call to me to take care of my body and another call to try and find new clothes that might look better for me. I know I have to go exercise to cut down my weight, yes I admit I want to look better, but I want to be fit and healthy more. Especially when I started to pant out of exhaustion when I took the stairs to the 3rd or even 2nd floor. And when I carried baby Aisha on my arms and felt my arms gonna fall out. I wanted to be strong and fit, so I can stand up in a concert with no exhaustion, or carry my own baby one day without back pains, or to just live my life without having to spend much on hospital bills.

Even when my standard of beauty shifted, I still have the need to detach myself from my looks. I think our body is just a body, and as long as I am fine with it, I am okay. I know, I still lack in many places. I know, I have to motivate myself to take care of the parts I often neglect. I know I have to go the long miles to pedicure my nails because I can't make it look as pretty as how the mba mba salon make, I know I have to cut my hair routinely to make it not as problematic as it is. What I do know too, is that there are some reasons why I am not doing it now. I know some of those things weren't my priorities and I know some of the reasons is that I am too lazy. 

I have been called out, ridiculed by people and even my closest family, about how I look. I often take it to the heart. I often wanted to cry. but I knew and believe that It doesn't matter. 

Yes, I am having breakouts now and I look so ugly compared to my sister, but my aunt doesn't know that I am taking small steps to cure it by cherishing my skin with products that can help it grow more healthy.

Yes, I am smaller than my cousin who just turned 13. but they don't know that there are maybe some men out there who have kinks out of shorter girls.

Yes, I am not fit into the world's standard of beautiful women right now.  I know that. You don't have to say it out loud.

I know when I want to, I will eventually take steps towards making myself look more presentable. I know I will take steps to take care of many many parts of my body that need to be taken care of. I know I will have the time and money too.

I know, therefore I am. I know that I have been thinking for all my life about the world and I always manage to realize things. Realization. Kesadaran. Kesadaran on what I am doing, and feeling and thinking is not all me, I have influences from the outside world, and I realize that I am being influenced.I really have to realize what are those influences, took time to take control over it and decide whether it is an influence I wanted to keep or not. I have to try to not let everything outside of myself decide how I am going to feel, think do. And even if it does control me, I have to realize it. 

I know exactly that I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I know that I have several aspirations but I haven't choose one to focus on. Heck, I don't know if I should focus on one or just do it all. I don't know, and therefore I know to always keep an open mind about everything in life.

I know I know I know, this isn't the last of this posts. I know I have too many things to remember about. I know I have to keep on learning and keep writing about what I have learned. 

There is no such thing as stopping, I will keep on going.

Selama ini kisah kasih yang aku beritakan kepada orang - orang terdekat terdengar seperti kisah memilukan tentang seorang perempuan yang menyimpan perasaan terhadap laki - laki berbahu lebar selama 12 tahun. Lalu akan di dendangkan kisah - kisah tentang hampir hampir yang akan membuat sebagian dari mereka tertawa karena kelakuan ku yang bodoh atau karena alur takdir yang kelihatannya, ya, tidak jodoh. 

Selanjutnya, lama akan tidak terdengar kisah dari ku, periode waktu ini akan diiringi dengan bincang - bincang tentang mungkin aku tidak pernah merasakan apa - apa. Mungkin perasaan ku aku projeksikan dari otak dan imajinasiku. Mungkin aku sedang lari dari sesuatu, dan memilih dia untuk membantu lariku. Mungkin memang kenyataanya dia hanya seorang teman baik yang aku ramu dengan berbagai bumbu cemburu.

Lalu, akan ada kisah tentang bagaimana aku tidak sengaja bertemu, atau memang sengaja bertemu, dan gemercik kecewa akan muncul karena dia berpura - pura tidak tahu. Mengenalku ia malu, begitu pikirku. Sempit dan buru - buru; aku putuskan aku harus bebas.

Namun tentunya tidak semudah itu. Apa yang dihindari akan semakin dekat. Apa yang ingin di lupa akan semakin nyata. Saat tiba waktu aku lupa, waktu yang memainkan peran miliknya. Ketika benar - benar lupa, takdir memunculkan persimpangan jalannya.

Lalu hari ini aku menapak jalan yang lengket. Tanah yang basah karena hujan menempel di sol sepatuku. Sembari menghindari lumpur, Fia berkata, "bagus lah kalau sudah tidak merasa apa - apa! Kenapa memang? Lo mau nya ada apa - apa ya?"

Iya. Aku memang seorang munafik.

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai katalis untuk merasa. Aku rasa, sebelum dia aku ingin sekali merasa. Aku ingin sekali dapat menulis tulisan tentang cinta. Aku ingin sekali bercerita tentang kisah kasih layaknya yang diceritakan orang - orang. Sayangnya, ia malah jadi objekku. 

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai cara untuk tidur di malam - malam dimana AC tidak dinyalakan tapi aku tetap kedinginan. Aku memimpikan dia sebagai cara untuk benar - benar tidur ketika mata menolak di padamkan sedangkan besok ada kelas jam delapan. Aku mendoakan dia untuk merasa aku ikhlas dan aku baik - baik saja. Aku menggunakan dia. Untuk kenyamananku sendiri.

Aku memerangkap dia di dalam sebuah gelombang frekuensi dimana hanya aku yang bisa akses. Aku meramu dan merusak kenyataan jadi imajinasi tentang figur yang ketidaksempurnaannya sempurna bagi aku. Aku menciptakan skenario menjadi naskah dan deskripsi karakter agar dia bisa hidup selamanya di pikiranku, walau kenyataanya dia bukanlah aktor dan hidup bukan pementasan drama. Tidak apa - apa, yang penting aku suka jalan ceritanya. 

Masalahnya bukan dia, bukan perasaan yang tidak resiprokal, bukan pula takdir. Tapi aku. Aku antagonis dalam kisah ini. Aku yang merangsek dan merusak. Aku yang membuat apapun yang ia lakukan salah di mataku. Aku yang egois.

Dan aku tidak bisa minta maaf.

9 Maret 2017

Hari Musik Nasional

sarahannida

Today, a friend from elementary school is holding a marriage reception.

I always imagined that day, when our little alumni group finally have to be reunited on our first wedding invitation, and I picture it clearly that it would be that particular friend who will be the first to wed from all of us.

I also imagined a clear scenario of how it will go. This scene consists of several characters. The main character is a girl with a beautiful hijab hanging on her shoulder, brown to be exact, paired with a white top that flowed perfectly, and a nicely tucked kain batik, with a pair of heels in normal heights. She is thin, but she is firm, in a very healthy figure. Not too tall, but not that small. She arrived perfectly on time at the meeting point, even before everyone else. She is the girl who does her friend's eye make-up, she is the girl who laughs the prettiest and she left her car for the sake of preserving the planet. 

And then there is a guy. He is the center of the laughter in the group. He is a tall, medium-skinned with broad shoulders and long arms. He wears a decent tuxedo he loves, like those ones Colin Firth wears on the movie 'Kingsman'.

There is also this guy who falls asleep every time he rides his motorbikes. So the guy with the tux came to pick him up with this two other guy, who basically lives off together as they share the same dorm since college, up to where they are currently pursuing their carrers. 

The girl and the guy meet under the bright lighting and shared a warm smile, they were in between buzzing friends so they do not share a conversation. The girl has pulled aside and had to pose for groupie picture. She poses, of course, and then grab something from her bag.She exclaimed "Girls, let's just take a picture with this" and the rest of the group smiles brightly because who would not love a fixed lens?

The guys are starring, with a huge inclination of envy, so this girl waves her hand and told them to join in. The group picture got bigger. Laughter bursts after each shutter. Everyone is busy chit chatting after they pose and the girl locks her eyes to those nicely fit tuxedo.

"You look neat." She throw a heartwarming joke,

"You look nice" He answers fastly, in between as if he was choking and almost get caught.

"You don't look so bad either with that tuxedo, you look like the movie, Kingsman" She answers, as fast as possible, not catching the awkwardness, "You used to love that movie, remember?"

" I still do." He smiles, " They make a sequel of them, you know"

"Oh My God that messy sequel. Hollywood really needs to stop making sequels to movies that do not need them.."

"Wait, what?? I thought it was a great movie"

"Maybe, in some parts, but in general, really?"

"Well, the action part kind of remind me of..."

So the conversation goes on, and they even sit down to talk. The guys came by and they join the talk, a lot more girls join in with their food and the group is fully chatty. After giving it some thought, the group decides to visit an old teacher couple living nearby and eat around afterward. At the car seating arrangements, this girl got ditched because her ride has to skip the visit and come home earlier. So with one car gone, they have to decide who drives which car and who sits in which. While she is searching for some spot for herself, the sleepy guy had to drive a long haired girl's car in who got her ankle hurt after falling down some steep stairs. The girl wanted to fill in the driver position but the guy in the tuxedo claims first, "Go and drive them, Sarah can come with me."

So she sits in the passenger's seat because the two bros and one more dark skinned guy occupy the back seats. They laugh around and talk about so many things. There is nothing in the air, the girl thought, this is new. 

A conversation came across about shoes, heels, in particular. 

" I see you wear your heels." He glances, "Any chance of appearing taller in photos?"

"Not a chance." She waves her head, "It never really works. Now I just wish I did not end up hurt like Nabila."

She wishes for the right thing, for once she opens the car door, she failed to avoid a rock and her heels split, making sure she fall down, although her reflexes helped her to get back up quickly.

"What happened?" The guys gather around. The guy with the tux leave his white undershirt and replace the tux with a blue denim shirt instead. He came hurriedly to her door.

"My heels just broke"

"Now we're talking." one of the guys looked in disbelief, "two accidents in a row, what a surprise." He despised heels, probably.

"Are you ok?" The blue shirt guy kneels in front of her as she leans to the seat with the door wide open. He touches her foot, her ankle, "does this hurt?"

"A bit" she quivered more from the touch than from the pain so she said, "I am fine, tho, I now just need something to wear. Do you keep any sandals in your car?"

"Well... yes, but they are mine"

"Hm.. so, can I borrow them?"

"I mean...they are mine,, so they are big" he clearly looks confused.

"Well, let's see how big they are, so.." She takes a look at the car, "where do you keep them?"

He pointed across and she examines them as soon as she gets up. She found a pair of sneakers, sandals and small tiny flip flops, probably his sister's belonging. "These must be your sister's" she murmured, and picks up the sandals instead, "this could do, right?" showing it to the guys. Ignoring them starring, she wears them. Its huge, but that's fine, she thought. She only needs to walk down a few steps to reach the doors and anything would be fine to wear. 

"You're weird" 

"Yep, she's a weird one"

"Suit yourself, girl ha ha" 

The guys and the girl exchange glances and she knew what it was, all tree of them laugh of how silly it looked like, and she had just nothing up her sleeves to get mad.

The denim guy, reacted, with the most fine line of possibilities

"You remember my sister?"

The girl replies, with an attitude, "Duh, of course, I do!"

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Remember the first part of the post? When I said that someone from my elementary school is getting married today, it's the exact person from this scenario. Yes, today, this scenario came true.

Not most of them tho, actually, not any of them.

The long haired girl is wearing a hijab. The sleepy guy did not take a chance to help the driving arrangement. The denim guy pays no attention. The bros are the nicest. The dark skinned guy helped the conversation going. The fixed lens does not exist.

And that is probably okay.

But I was late, I missed to put my makeup pouch to my bag, I am fairly small and round, my heels aren't right, I still can not drive. I have no pretty laugh ( I laugh like a horse).  I am nothing like the girl in my imagination.

I live within bubbles.

I asked a friend about this, and she replied with our most well-said catchphrase. "Don't we all?"

Don't we all had that bubbles above our heads that are filled with what we thought would be the best that could happened? Those bubbles are also filled with the image of the person that we wanted to become. Those bubbles are filled with ideals, imagination, perfection and subjectivity. Those bubbles we never able to popped and shrink into reality.

They say you can start to change your life if you want to, you can live the life you wanted to live. You are only a choice away.

But as the bubbles keep on flying...

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The teachers provided them with food so they do not need to eat out. The group are very happy and laugh around so loud. Everyone is happy.

The time to come home is near, the driving arrangement did not change. The girl is still in the guy's car, as he dropped the other's first, and her the later. She showed the road to her grandmother house. He asked for a chance to take a pee. She offered him a meal. And they end up watching a movie on her laptop instead.

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... I still could not get a grip on the ground

Yang selalu ku persembahkan

Bila engkau ingin menjumpai ku tataplah

Angkasa

Ku ada di sinar rembulan

menatap penuh kasih

memandang penuh cinta

ku kan datang saat fajar menjelang

bercahaya

karena aku

Mataharimu

Sparkling - Mataharimu (Diciptakan oleh Trie Utami)

Dan sepertinya iya, aku Mataharimu. Yang mana artinya aku tidak bisa berada di dekat mu kalau aku tak mau kau terbakar dan menjadi abu. 

sialan.