CLOSED (the book and the blog)

Friday, October 10, 2025

 that week my hands tremble, my body was on fire, my head spins like its in the wrong room.


“last sunday you were fine” my mom asked “what happened?”


turns out it was you. you happened to be the most excruciating thing that happens to my body. you burned me time and time again, without knowing what it was for and how it was done. you came to my dreams depicting all that we can never be


and i think thats you saying goodbye.


and me too


this sunday im closing the book. 


but before that, im cursing you, im cursing the child you’ll bring to the world, that baby will fall in love with mine and the story will reverse, i wont let that happen. i’ll burn the letter and seal the deal. this next life, you’ll regret everything you did to me.

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july

Thursday, July 17, 2025

 awkward chatters fills the air but it was warm and fuzzy. the warmest ice cream shop ever.


i played with the little babies and our stickers and paint by numbers are all spread out the table.


noises.

    looks behind for a second. 

you were there from an extended invite i did not even know.

 i smiled ( i cried for you in june ). 

said hi and force a laughter. 


you said “its not your baby isnt it?”


“really, that was the first thing you said to me?” almost whispering, half joking. eyes were on us because its a story for the ages. but they were pretending to not see. they hoped to hear. a laughter from your side and a small pat in my head, “how are you?” (that was a first time)


you tried to have the best seat, where our knees touch just like old times, where you can lean your hands in my chair, where you can whisper “can we go for coffee?”


“sure”


“okay”


the group take their photos and stands up

i make sure “right now right? you did not say when, you might have mean next year” and you squinted your eyes, took your key cars into my fingers, 


“sekarang. you hold this”



and so our breath hitched. 

it was my first time in your car.


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22 April

Monday, June 16, 2025


 

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31 Mei

Thursday, May 15, 2025

 31 mei

satu tahun


sejak aku memilih diriku sendiri


itu yang aku ucap dan yang mereka tau

tetapi, 

sebenarnya aku memilih kamu

kamu yang datang tiga bulan lagi, 

 kamu tersenyum tanpa gigi

memilin kata demi kata untuk mengetuk senyum wajah mungil ini


kamu dan kopi di tangan kananmu,

satu gelas yang aku janji belikan

karena aku tak mau ingkar janji padamu

dan kamu yang ucapkan beribu sungkan


(besok, besok kita ke tempat matcha favoritmu)

(aku jemput pukul sembilan)

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Let me write again about letting go.

Sunday, January 29, 2023

 It was a sunny day, an old friend at commune, everything just slip out of my mouth, and this is what she says.


"I sense competitiveness"

".."

"from your own self, your past self"


i hate that its true, i keep saying you haven't met the new me yet.


But what if, it doesnt matter?


.

.

for years i have been wondering, making up scenarios, hoping, that when you see me you will see a better version of me. you will put two and two together. you will realise my worth.


but that exactly the thing i have to let go of. the longing not for you but for my ownself. the future me did not deserve to be burdened by my own expectations.


clearly, for what it seems, i am always a step closer to the ideal version, the me from my bubble i wrote years ago in this very blog. should i be proud? should i be celebrating?


but that is not the point, the point is wanting to be better so that i can show you i'm better will only result in hurt.


i should let myself go.

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Let me write about you before I let you go

Wednesday, January 04, 2023
My Dearest,

I just realized I never really write anything about how and why I have my eyes on you, and eventually my heart too. Before, I only keep writing about saying sorry, or about how it hurt me, or about things that will never happen.

I guess that is where I was wrong, I guess you would not be able to feel my sincerity as well, as I keep them behind doors, behind sarcastic laughter or behind a fast run upstairs upon seeing your face.

I know I never let you know just how much I admire you. I'm sorry again.

For the first time, let me rewind. I think its all a blur at this point? But I do remember you in a tiny uniform pranking my shoes with fake toys that I almost shed a tear because of how afraid little me of that animal. Or when the uniform was bright cream and brown and you will ask me questions on the desk about my ears. Or when I sigh at your face on the corridor and you do the same thing to me. I never understand childhood love, i still dont understand myself back then either.

I also remember talking about anything on our twitter dms, untill maybe you got sick of me. We would talk about many things, i may not remember much but I remember feeling happy.

I remember we taking a picture together on our breakfasting event. But I don't remember where the picture is.

I remember rooting for each other for college entrance exams, talking so many things online. Up until it gets to you, that you need to focus and I may be just a distraction. 

I like you when you ask our group out to dinner, I never eat like that in my whole life. I was so shy, but I kept looking at you, I keep our knees together while waiting for my ride to come. Please know that's my roomate fling who picks me up while she waits in the car, i did not like him.

I like you. 

Maybe that's why upon seing you with girls in your cafetaria I only say a brief hi and run away. You are too out of reach. I fear of how far we have drifted away.

I like how you sat beside me during the Hari Musik Nasional festival, but I'm too shy, I run away from my feelings.

I don't know where it all started, but i only remember warmth, fuzzy feelings, childhood nostalgia, jokes you sent to me, laughter, movies talks, music talks. I remember your sister name. I remember how fun it is having you talking to me up, until you choose not to.

I like how you stride in confidence. I like your smile in pictures. I like your silly jokes with your friends. I admire how you always keep a hobby with you, even how you keep your celebrity fan-boy phase on your instagram name. I like your broad shoulders, your love of travels, your love for your family. I like your youtube page. I like your excited voice when you talk about the things you like.

I like how every love song is suddenly about you. Every Taylor Swift lyrics i captioned my instagram posts with suddenly has you in it. Every ballads, every longing tune. I sing my heart out without you ever hearing it.

I like how suddenly my work friend knows about you, describe you as patriotic, popular and ambitious. 

i admit i did not know much about you, that is why I really wanted to know you better. the 2023 version you, the 2024 version you. but if life did not think we should cross paths anymore, I only could sent a letter of my prayers.

I wish in happy and health, you will always find the strength to pass a rainy day. I wish sanana treat you warm, as warm as your mother's touch. I wish you can sleep at night without worries. I wish the sun can bless your day and protect you from mayhems. I wish you can bike all around the city you wanted without any accidents. I wish you can travel and take as many pictures as you like. I wish the songs they are playing in the radio suits your taste and soothe your ears. I wish you can make your father proud. I wish your family would expand and grow and give you something to look forward to going home. I wish your workloads get less and your pay gets better. I wish people will treat you with respect and acknowledge your talents. I wish you safe from people who are evil and cunning. I wish you are surrounded with humble, humanity and like-minded people.
I wish your heart never have to get hurt. I wish your life are serene and content. I wish even when you're an old granny you would not hurt your back so you can carry around your grandchildren in your backyard. 

I wish in this lifetime you can get and do whatever you want.







and if my wishes came true; it would've been you.

0104 2023

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november flush and your flannel cure

pisces Tuesday, December 27, 2022

The sky is grey outside, but inside,

its the colour of the flannel shirt i bought as a memorabilia of this feelings you left me with


no one knows but i like the pointed bubbly cheeks when you smile, 


at something sweet your cheek will rise and i can clearly see it from behind. 


no one knows but i take a look at the greys sticking out in your hair, the coffee you bought downstairs, 



the navy blue jacket and the weight on your shoulder.



no one knows when i write poetries when you were gone.


i write poetries when im sad

i write poetries when im afraid

i write poetries when im mad

but most importantly i write poetry secretly behind your back


#


hi you


congratulations on finding love in a dating app, at the age of 27, at this age of isolation, pandemic and recession. i simply think that you deserve it, a person as sweet and thoughtful, deserve all the kind of love you think you deserves.


now that you're kind of off limit, its very hard to walk away. you're a quicksand, a friction in the scenario, a dream i intended to never come true. (real dream btw i dreamt of you one night).


but i know a chair is up there and it was never mine.


and maybe you know that too, that is why it was always a river to cross between us. and i respect you for that. dont worry, im writting this so i could get over you.


for someone who intended to stay as far away as i can, there are only certain things i could wish for you:


i hope you are always basked in the sun's warmth, hidden on your mother's long hug back home, safe under your coat from the pouring storm, full from eating delicacies someone decided to pay you for, enamored for the hard work you put into, appreciated by everyone reconizing your ideas and worth, happy from the love you choose as your forever.


writing this from a taxi back home,

a sad beautiful tragic lover

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letters to the scenarios in my head

Monday, May 10, 2021

Sometimes i wonder if we will ever meet again? i always imagine an encounter with visualization straight out of those korean dramas. where the two main leads would meet again, under a seemingly ridicolous place, crossing each other path while the script took them to a twist of the timeline. under a shining light, with fallen leaves and a music only those two can hear. 


or have we did? have we already met? did we already have those kdrama scene? or we almost did? 


perhaps we did crossed our path, 

but maybe i just missed it. 


maybe we did meet on a ridiculous place i never thought of but i took a long fix on my shoes while you were passing by. 

maybe we did met at those crowded malls but you were looking at your phone to care for your surroundings. 

maybe our timeline just did not match. 


i have to tell you the truth, i sometimes took another look when i saw someone resembling you pass me by, ah...yes, i know the last time i saw you was years ago and i am not even sure how you look like right now, but i still do that. 


i would make hundreds of scenario in my head, and pry if it ever come true. 


i still do.



9 May 

4 am

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Remember those scenarios I made in my head?

Sunday, December 06, 2020

 well fuck, you're still the main character.


- after a conversation with sab about our past love stories. and after a couple of visit to fish videos on youtube.

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Sunday, December 06, 2020

Back then, 

Maybe


I didn't really like you. I just like seeing pretty things. 


Collect them like notebooks,

put it on a binder.


and when i start writting again

i still write about you.


- this words spins out of  my head on mid Q3 of 2020 when i think of the boys i loved. im sorry. 


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Remember this, Sarah

Very Personal Monday, January 01, 2018
Realizations: I can't believe I let 2017 pass me by just like that, 


I only write here with a few posts, I only posted 12 pictures on my sarahannida instagram. I let life slide without sharing pictures and writing.



but I did share pictures, and I did write on many other platforms. I did find new things, and I did try to write what I learned by creating this post. I want myself to see it in the future, and remember the things I have to remember.


In the last seconds of 2017 or the first ones of 2018, I realized that my life is my first one ever, I have to live, and I only have these precious seconds gifted to me once. I realize that I have to own up my own life and my own mistakes and my own motivation or demotivations. I realize I have to take a closer look and pays more attention to my life. because this is my first life, it is more precious than ever.

I am confident with how I look. I realize that I cant remember when I started feeling this way but I remember my young self, looking at the mirror saying "hhmm I look okay tho?" and I only think about ways to improve since then, I started studying about makeup, and sometimes I used to do it wrongly and up until 1 Jan 2018 I never really do anything on my eyebrows. I still have a lot to learn and I sometimes forgot which combination of eyeshadow colors suits me best. I spend too much on them and have like 15 lip products and a brush set I never washed because I am too lazy. And then, come the world of skincare, I try out everything. I learned something new and became very passionate about it. I learned the world of Korean Skincare Routine, I learned the names of American's brand that serves only the ingredients our skin needed, I learned about how we can actually look at what are those chemicals doing to our skin on the internet. Yet, I still have breakouts, and I still struggle to find the right products that fit my budget category. I started to buy new toners and new sunscreens and then when they don't really do my face a favor, I quit and had a massive breakout. I started to rearrange my routine and learn everything again from zero.

When it comes to my body, I know I need to cut down on weight and fat. I know I am a small person in terms of height. I know I am not the prettiest figure when I use my clothes. The fact that my sister uses my clothes a lot and it looks better at her is always a wake-up call to me to take care of my body and another call to try and find new clothes that might look better for me. I know I have to go exercise to cut down my weight, yes I admit I want to look better, but I want to be fit and healthy more. Especially when I started to pant out of exhaustion when I took the stairs to the 3rd or even 2nd floor. And when I carried baby Aisha on my arms and felt my arms gonna fall out. I wanted to be strong and fit, so I can stand up in a concert with no exhaustion, or carry my own baby one day without back pains, or to just live my life without having to spend much on hospital bills.

Even when my standard of beauty shifted, I still have the need to detach myself from my looks. I think our body is just a body, and as long as I am fine with it, I am okay. I know, I still lack in many places. I know, I have to motivate myself to take care of the parts I often neglect. I know I have to go the long miles to pedicure my nails because I can't make it look as pretty as how the mba mba salon make, I know I have to cut my hair routinely to make it not as problematic as it is. What I do know too, is that there are some reasons why I am not doing it now. I know some of those things weren't my priorities and I know some of the reasons is that I am too lazy. 

I have been called out, ridiculed by people and even my closest family, about how I look. I often take it to the heart. I often wanted to cry. but I knew and believe that It doesn't matter. 

Yes, I am having breakouts now and I look so ugly compared to my sister, but my aunt doesn't know that I am taking small steps to cure it by cherishing my skin with products that can help it grow more healthy.

Yes, I am smaller than my cousin who just turned 13. but they don't know that there are maybe some men out there who have kinks out of shorter girls.

Yes, I am not fit into the world's standard of beautiful women right now.  I know that. You don't have to say it out loud.

I know when I want to, I will eventually take steps towards making myself look more presentable. I know I will take steps to take care of many many parts of my body that need to be taken care of. I know I will have the time and money too.

I know, therefore I am. I know that I have been thinking for all my life about the world and I always manage to realize things. Realization. Kesadaran. Kesadaran on what I am doing, and feeling and thinking is not all me, I have influences from the outside world, and I realize that I am being influenced.I really have to realize what are those influences, took time to take control over it and decide whether it is an influence I wanted to keep or not. I have to try to not let everything outside of myself decide how I am going to feel, think do. And even if it does control me, I have to realize it. 

I know exactly that I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I know that I have several aspirations but I haven't choose one to focus on. Heck, I don't know if I should focus on one or just do it all. I don't know, and therefore I know to always keep an open mind about everything in life.

I know I know I know, this isn't the last of this posts. I know I have too many things to remember about. I know I have to keep on learning and keep writing about what I have learned. 

There is no such thing as stopping, I will keep on going.

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Maybe I am the bad guy

Very Personal Thursday, March 09, 2017
Selama ini kisah kasih yang aku beritakan kepada orang - orang terdekat terdengar seperti kisah memilukan tentang seorang perempuan yang menyimpan perasaan terhadap laki - laki berbahu lebar selama 12 tahun. Lalu akan di dendangkan kisah - kisah tentang hampir hampir yang akan membuat sebagian dari mereka tertawa karena kelakuan ku yang bodoh atau karena alur takdir yang kelihatannya, ya, tidak jodoh. 

Selanjutnya, lama akan tidak terdengar kisah dari ku, periode waktu ini akan diiringi dengan bincang - bincang tentang mungkin aku tidak pernah merasakan apa - apa. Mungkin perasaan ku aku projeksikan dari otak dan imajinasiku. Mungkin aku sedang lari dari sesuatu, dan memilih dia untuk membantu lariku. Mungkin memang kenyataanya dia hanya seorang teman baik yang aku ramu dengan berbagai bumbu cemburu.

Lalu, akan ada kisah tentang bagaimana aku tidak sengaja bertemu, atau memang sengaja bertemu, dan gemercik kecewa akan muncul karena dia berpura - pura tidak tahu. Mengenalku ia malu, begitu pikirku. Sempit dan buru - buru; aku putuskan aku harus bebas.

Namun tentunya tidak semudah itu. Apa yang dihindari akan semakin dekat. Apa yang ingin di lupa akan semakin nyata. Saat tiba waktu aku lupa, waktu yang memainkan peran miliknya. Ketika benar - benar lupa, takdir memunculkan persimpangan jalannya.

Lalu hari ini aku menapak jalan yang lengket. Tanah yang basah karena hujan menempel di sol sepatuku. Sembari menghindari lumpur, Fia berkata, "bagus lah kalau sudah tidak merasa apa - apa! Kenapa memang? Lo mau nya ada apa - apa ya?"

Iya. Aku memang seorang munafik.

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai katalis untuk merasa. Aku rasa, sebelum dia aku ingin sekali merasa. Aku ingin sekali dapat menulis tulisan tentang cinta. Aku ingin sekali bercerita tentang kisah kasih layaknya yang diceritakan orang - orang. Sayangnya, ia malah jadi objekku. 

Aku menggunakan dia sebagai cara untuk tidur di malam - malam dimana AC tidak dinyalakan tapi aku tetap kedinginan. Aku memimpikan dia sebagai cara untuk benar - benar tidur ketika mata menolak di padamkan sedangkan besok ada kelas jam delapan. Aku mendoakan dia untuk merasa aku ikhlas dan aku baik - baik saja. Aku menggunakan dia. Untuk kenyamananku sendiri.

Aku memerangkap dia di dalam sebuah gelombang frekuensi dimana hanya aku yang bisa akses. Aku meramu dan merusak kenyataan jadi imajinasi tentang figur yang ketidaksempurnaannya sempurna bagi aku. Aku menciptakan skenario menjadi naskah dan deskripsi karakter agar dia bisa hidup selamanya di pikiranku, walau kenyataanya dia bukanlah aktor dan hidup bukan pementasan drama. Tidak apa - apa, yang penting aku suka jalan ceritanya. 

Masalahnya bukan dia, bukan perasaan yang tidak resiprokal, bukan pula takdir. Tapi aku. Aku antagonis dalam kisah ini. Aku yang merangsek dan merusak. Aku yang membuat apapun yang ia lakukan salah di mataku. Aku yang egois.

Dan aku tidak bisa minta maaf.

9 Maret 2017
Hari Musik Nasional

sarahannida
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You don't know what's bad for you

Poems Thursday, February 09, 2017
Kamu seperti orang yang tidak bisa melihat hujan.

Mungkin karena malam itu terlalu gelap,
Atau karena kamu terlalu lama berteduh
Atau karena jarak mu terlalu jauh sehingga tidak bisa melihat rintik hujan
tanpa bantuan sinar lampu mobil yang kebetulan lewat.
Kamu keluar dari tempat berteduh berpikir hujan sudah berhenti
dan kamu melaju walau tau kamu tidak bisa kembali lagi

Hujan itu jatuhnya pelan
Dan tidak kelihatan
Tapi dinginnya menusuk
Sampai ke rusuk


Sayang,
apa jadinya kamu kalau tidak bawa jas hujan?

hujan deras, 
sarahannida
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Selesai

engkau Saturday, January 21, 2017
Aku kira dunia akan berubah semenjak hari di mana aku memutuskan untuk meninggalkan egoku.
Setidaknya aku kira dunia akan menjadi cerah warna - warni, atau gelap,murung dan abu abu, pokoknya di dua titik yang ekstrim itu.

Tapi yang aku temui adalah,
biru yang makin biru
mendung yang makin mendung
hijau yang makin hijau
terang yang semakin terang

Aku kira dunia akan berubah semenjak engkau resmi meninggalkan mimpi - mimpi ku, setidaknya akan ada badai salju di Bekasi, atau gratis parkir sebulan di UI, atau bahkan undangan pernikahan Fifi.

Tapi yang menunjukkan diri padaku adalah
gosip dan fakta,
mimpi dan makna,
tugas dan tahta


Aku bisa merasa lagi tanpa menunggu perutku mulas mulas
Semua yang hadir jadi lebih jelas.

Sarah A.H.H
Selesai.
Selamat Ulang Tahun!
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A Scenario and a Bubble

Scenario Friday, January 20, 2017
Today, a friend from elementary school is holding a marriage reception.


I always imagined that day, when our little alumni group finally have to be reunited on our first wedding invitation, and I picture it clearly that it would be that particular friend who will be the first to wed from all of us.

I also imagined a clear scenario of how it will go. This scene consists of several characters. The main character is a girl with a beautiful hijab hanging on her shoulder, brown to be exact, paired with a white top that flowed perfectly, and a nicely tucked kain batik, with a pair of heels in normal heights. She is thin, but she is firm, in a very healthy figure. Not too tall, but not that small. She arrived perfectly on time at the meeting point, even before everyone else. She is the girl who does her friend's eye make-up, she is the girl who laughs the prettiest and she left her car for the sake of preserving the planet. 

And then there is a guy. He is the center of the laughter in the group. He is a tall, medium-skinned with broad shoulders and long arms. He wears a decent tuxedo he loves, like those ones Colin Firth wears on the movie 'Kingsman'.

There is also this guy who falls asleep every time he rides his motorbikes. So the guy with the tux came to pick him up with this two other guy, who basically lives off together as they share the same dorm since college, up to where they are currently pursuing their carrers. 

The girl and the guy meet under the bright lighting and shared a warm smile, they were in between buzzing friends so they do not share a conversation. The girl has pulled aside and had to pose for groupie picture. She poses, of course, and then grab something from her bag.She exclaimed "Girls, let's just take a picture with this" and the rest of the group smiles brightly because who would not love a fixed lens?

The guys are starring, with a huge inclination of envy, so this girl waves her hand and told them to join in. The group picture got bigger. Laughter bursts after each shutter. Everyone is busy chit chatting after they pose and the girl locks her eyes to those nicely fit tuxedo.

"You look neat." She throw a heartwarming joke,
"You look nice" He answers fastly, in between as if he was choking and almost get caught.
"You don't look so bad either with that tuxedo, you look like the movie, Kingsman" She answers, as fast as possible, not catching the awkwardness, "You used to love that movie, remember?"
" I still do." He smiles, " They make a sequel of them, you know"
"Oh My God that messy sequel. Hollywood really needs to stop making sequels to movies that do not need them.."
"Wait, what?? I thought it was a great movie"
"Maybe, in some parts, but in general, really?"
"Well, the action part kind of remind me of..."

So the conversation goes on, and they even sit down to talk. The guys came by and they join the talk, a lot more girls join in with their food and the group is fully chatty. After giving it some thought, the group decides to visit an old teacher couple living nearby and eat around afterward. At the car seating arrangements, this girl got ditched because her ride has to skip the visit and come home earlier. So with one car gone, they have to decide who drives which car and who sits in which. While she is searching for some spot for herself, the sleepy guy had to drive a long haired girl's car in who got her ankle hurt after falling down some steep stairs. The girl wanted to fill in the driver position but the guy in the tuxedo claims first, "Go and drive them, Sarah can come with me."

So she sits in the passenger's seat because the two bros and one more dark skinned guy occupy the back seats. They laugh around and talk about so many things. There is nothing in the air, the girl thought, this is new. 

A conversation came across about shoes, heels, in particular. 

" I see you wear your heels." He glances, "Any chance of appearing taller in photos?"
"Not a chance." She waves her head, "It never really works. Now I just wish I did not end up hurt like Nabila."

She wishes for the right thing, for once she opens the car door, she failed to avoid a rock and her heels split, making sure she fall down, although her reflexes helped her to get back up quickly.

"What happened?" The guys gather around. The guy with the tux leave his white undershirt and replace the tux with a blue denim shirt instead. He came hurriedly to her door.

"My heels just broke"
"Now we're talking." one of the guys looked in disbelief, "two accidents in a row, what a surprise." He despised heels, probably.
"Are you ok?" The blue shirt guy kneels in front of her as she leans to the seat with the door wide open. He touches her foot, her ankle, "does this hurt?"
"A bit" she quivered more from the touch than from the pain so she said, "I am fine, tho, I now just need something to wear. Do you keep any sandals in your car?"
"Well... yes, but they are mine"
"Hm.. so, can I borrow them?"
"I mean...they are mine,, so they are big" he clearly looks confused.
"Well, let's see how big they are, so.." She takes a look at the car, "where do you keep them?"
He pointed across and she examines them as soon as she gets up. She found a pair of sneakers, sandals and small tiny flip flops, probably his sister's belonging. "These must be your sister's" she murmured, and picks up the sandals instead, "this could do, right?" showing it to the guys. Ignoring them starring, she wears them. Its huge, but that's fine, she thought. She only needs to walk down a few steps to reach the doors and anything would be fine to wear. 

"You're weird" 
"Yep, she's a weird one"
"Suit yourself, girl ha ha" 

The guys and the girl exchange glances and she knew what it was, all tree of them laugh of how silly it looked like, and she had just nothing up her sleeves to get mad.

The denim guy, reacted, with the most fine line of possibilities
"You remember my sister?"
The girl replies, with an attitude, "Duh, of course, I do!"

----------


Remember the first part of the post? When I said that someone from my elementary school is getting married today, it's the exact person from this scenario. Yes, today, this scenario came true.

Not most of them tho, actually, not any of them.

The long haired girl is wearing a hijab. The sleepy guy did not take a chance to help the driving arrangement. The denim guy pays no attention. The bros are the nicest. The dark skinned guy helped the conversation going. The fixed lens does not exist.

And that is probably okay.

But I was late, I missed to put my makeup pouch to my bag, I am fairly small and round, my heels aren't right, I still can not drive. I have no pretty laugh ( I laugh like a horse).  I am nothing like the girl in my imagination.

I live within bubbles.

I asked a friend about this, and she replied with our most well-said catchphrase. "Don't we all?"

Don't we all had that bubbles above our heads that are filled with what we thought would be the best that could happened? Those bubbles are also filled with the image of the person that we wanted to become. Those bubbles are filled with ideals, imagination, perfection and subjectivity. Those bubbles we never able to popped and shrink into reality.

They say you can start to change your life if you want to, you can live the life you wanted to live. You are only a choice away.

 But as the bubbles keep on flying...

-----------------



The teachers provided them with food so they do not need to eat out. The group are very happy and laugh around so loud. Everyone is happy.

The time to come home is near, the driving arrangement did not change. The girl is still in the guy's car, as he dropped the other's first, and her the later. She showed the road to her grandmother house. He asked for a chance to take a pee. She offered him a meal. And they end up watching a movie on her laptop instead.


-----------------------

... I still could not get a grip on the ground










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Salah Siapa

thoughts Monday, January 09, 2017

Manusia tidak mau mengakui mereka bersalah. Manusia melemparkan kesalahan kepada manusia lain, yang juga tidak terima dirinya dibilang bersalah. Lalu berputarlah arus Kesalahan, semua saling menyerukan Kesalahan satu sama lain. Menepis dan tidak mengakui, atau mengiyakan tapi menunjukkan bahwa ada Kesalahan yang lebih fatal dari pada Kesalahan yang ia buat. Begitu terus sampai mereka kehabisan Kesalahan untuk di salah salahkan. Sehingga ada satu Manusia bijak yang akhirnya berkata,



"Sudah sudah, ini bukan salah siapa - siapa"

Yang secara sederhana berarti,
ini salah kita semua.
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Birthdays

Personal Rants Friday, December 30, 2016
There are no such things as birthdays. They were just days. Dates. Another passing -sun -up -sun - down. Another pattern.

People celebrate them, nonetheless. I did too.

They shower each other with gifts and pearls and elegant decorations. They wear beautiful silk dresses, fitting their curves and edges. They hug their loved ones. They took photos, upload it so the world could know, and celebrate every engagement it has reached.

(Not that it's a bad thing, tho. I am sorry if I wrote 'they' as a perspective, it is because I haven't done anything like that before. Well, who knows, I probably will in the future)

I did too, I celebrate mine every year. Last year it was indomie jumbo for breakfast. Today, it was McDonald's hot pancake with maple syrup and melted butter.

When I was younger, birthdays are all about opening gifts and collecting gift cards. Taping them on my cupboard as a souvenir afterward. We always gather at my grandma's house. My auntie and uncle will have to buy my younger sister a present too every December. My sister and I will race to unwrap the gifts, get surprised about what is in it and then have pretty pictures taken of us.

Sometimes it's all about cakes, and what is written on it. Other times it was all about parties, magicians, and showing off to your neighboring kids.

As you grow older, families grew apart. Gifts are no longer wrapped in fancy paper because its a waste of money and time. Most of the time they give you the money and you buy what you wanted on your own. Real calls transformed into window chats. Tears turn into emojis. Hugs turn into Cony and Brown.

Surprises will only surprise you when you have no clue. Most of the time they asked, what do you want for your birthday this year? Where are you going on your birthday this year? This, of course will eliminate all the difficulties and the disappointment of not getting the exact thing you want as a present.

And then, only real people who matter are the ones who get the memo to the party. Not a party tho, just a small get-together, with you, happily paying the bills. Pictures at the photo box is a must. Cakes and cupcakes aren't tho, because they can easily be replaced with anything creative.

I am not a person to get what I wanted as a present for my birthday, WELL, I know what I wanted to have. I eye on many things, and many people who asked me knew too. But my parents does not have to, they have given me life already. So I calmly come to wherever they wanted to go on my birthday trips.

But I do know what I picture as a perfect birthday this year. Just me, watching my Korean dramas, finishing my books that are piling up on the corner of my room, and an 8-hour sleep.

And attention. Showers of prayers and kind words from those faces who matters.

I got lots of them. Nice words I capture and save to keep on an album I made for me to see when I feel bad about myself.

But some faces, I still yearn.
Last year it was him. This year it was you.


And none of them come true.

Then, it came to me.

If birthdays is about pampering yourself, showering yourself with love and care, and letting yourself believe that you are special, why can't it be every day? Or any day?
If I woke up one day on April and decided to eat Pancakes for breakfast and Waffles for dinners, I do not sin, right?

I am going to do things that make me happy on my entire life, not only a day. If you did not wish me kind words today that would be okay, because you can do it tomorrow, or any day given. If today there are no get-togethers, or beautiful gift wraps, that is okay. If the books haven't been read today, it's okay. If I was not the happiest or the prettiest today, it's okay. 
Heck yeah, I have 365 days a year to do it.


Wouldn't it be fun? Having parents wish you kind words every day, give you wonderful surprise presents in random months of the year, throwing off gatherings and taking beautiful pictures, the whole year. I intend to be that kind of parent, so my kids won't be expectant every year for their birthdays, they will just see the day as it is,

They are just days.
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A heart that changes after a year.

Personal Rants Monday, December 26, 2016
If you look back, what were you doing last year?
I was making some presentation design, after a meeting with a friend, she inspires me to try new things. I decided to like my new kind of style and implements it in almost a semester of mind - mapping designs.

Today, I would say that kind of style is outdated. I cringe and throw off many sets of styles for I have not find my own. I felt no desire to style any presentation now. And as I think about it, it is because I gave up on searching.
If you look back, how do you feel last year?
I ended up seeking for someone's attention because I am running away from my feelings to someone else. I put an end to it, months later, and declare myself  "Desperately seeking no one." With an empty heart, thinking there is no way to feel anything anymore.

Today, I no longer feel butterflies on my stomach, or elephants thumping on my chest. I felt a river  of blood running through my veins with an intense speed all over my body that I can even still feel it now, tingling in my toes. 

Seeing 2016 as a year,
I will probably have a tough way addressing it. Because it was not on an extreme. It was not a great year, I suffer and saw those closest to me suffered. I worked up at a lot of things, took trips to hospitals, does so many wrong doings, having people talked blatantly through my mistakes, and cried a lot, too.

But I can't call it an awful year too, because it was also a year where my heart changes

And to be not only thankful but also, to prevent myself being forgetful, I am going to write the things that have changed me this year.

1. HMIK UI 2016


A place where I learn not only truth about the world and other people, but also, a little bit of myself. It is a home where the windows are opening, the doors are strong, and the blankets are tender, sincere and full of compassions. 

and also a very tiring-full of lessons-sweats-and-sneers, journey.

2. RTC UI FM

The sum of my productivity. A practical and professional learning place. A place where my mental strengths are to be tossed around and built upon. A place to work on my two-cents. And to put it off, another place of warm faces and good intentions I will probably need in the future.

(I desperately need)

3. Comspire 2016

Why would I write about a freaking OSPEK as a reason that changes me this year?
It is because of relations.

The basic theme of the event itself is indeed, relations. To be blunt, it was actually not only for those who are the targets of the events, but it is for anyone who partakes in it.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to meet amazing new faces, faces I always thought irrelevant, faces I never ever seen before, and I also get to know what are the things you have to know in perceiving new faces that are coming.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to witness ideas, perseverances, friendships... all that leads to victories. Of my own, and of the thing that matters the most to the heart of the place.

Thanks to the impulsive action on an evening after the 2nd semester's finals, I get to find new supporting system(s) : 

4. My support system: The Universe

It is only in these last few days of 2016 that I realize that the universe always showing its good nature: that it wasn't at all conspiring against you, it stands by your back. The universe, and the people in it.




The sky and the clouds, which presents themselves as fairly brilliant in making you gasps and awe every time you look up to the sky these few weeks, has been a best of a friend. For as I stopped and think, they are the sole reason of why some of my good days started off as soon as I stepped out of my house.

There are also those people, my whole supporting system. My parents, my family, and those who always stick around. Most of the supporting system, which I can't name all of them, are also there on the upper side of the list. They are those who back me up when I am being my deadliner self. They who caters all my needs when I have no time (or willingness) to do it for myself. Those who answers the phone when I am about to cry, and talk my tears out of it. Those who keep on reciting all the words in highlights even when I dozed off asleep. Those who I can count on being professional and fun at the same time. Those people I relentlessly spend a whole day with. Those people who talk to me on the canteen ground, from serious conversations, to laughter about parodies and jinxes. Those people whom I can spend doing so many things together with. Those people who tirelessly taught me everything I need to know. Those people who respond to my endless need to talk about lippies product so I can get my mind off of things. Those people who listen and help me organize my feelings. Those people I share bumpy train rides with. Those people that don't vent even when I am bothering their place just to get my paper done at 3 am in the morning. Those people I can talk to every day even when they are miles away. Those who lets their houses be a place for wandering souls to stay. Those people who remind me of simple things I should do, like tying my shoe, or finishing a meal. Those people who let me stay dan learn things from them. Those people who doesn't mind hanging around a junior like me. Those people who makes me laugh at incredibly anything. Those people who wait on you at night on campus to accompany your train ride back home.









Those people, are the ones that taught me so many things about life. They made me see the world differently, through their eyes. Some of them suffer so much this year. Those suffering I don't even believe can be happening in real life, to a girl, my age, in this kindred year of 2016. But through them, I learn, I see the world as it is. That there is no such thing as black and white, we are always compromising. We live in 'in betweens'. And every other person on the planet is facing a real struggle of their own, and sometimes, you just need, to be honest and share your thoughts with other people to feel less of the burden.

Sometimes it does sound presumptuous to say it, but it is very nice, to have them listened to me. They are my reason to be strong, because whenever I feel like the world has gotten the best of me, I remember them. I remember those strong people, those faces, those struggles, and those promises and premises about life we had after the 'talk'. To be blunt, it does sound like a dismay; reflecting upon other people's sorrows, expecting out from people around you instead out from yourself, and neglecting the fact that people aren't always gonna be there for you. But, I found out that there is so much goodness can be found, scattered around these faces, and all around us. Sometimes we took it for granted. We somehow forgot even the smallest face that we saw every day are the ones that had been supporting us, like a backbone. Somehow if we took the time to appreciate and really look, we might find small acts of kindness that are hidden from our eyes that can be our new source of strength. ( I found one on an ojek ride to home yesterday, when the driver remembers me clearly from one and a half year ago - as a 81 SHS grader, and is now relieved that I am a college student of the biggest campus in the state ). Anything could be our everything. The task is, I guess, to keep seeing things like them and keep on being thankful. These words and these faces I am writing about now might change and disappear at any given moment in the future, but there is nothing wrong in believing, that I might find it again. In any new faces I will meet, or places not yet to be accounted for, or in the house of a long lost family. Anything is possible.

What I hope after writing this is a few of these people and faces that I let read this realize that it is an open letter to each and every one of them. A letter of me saying tons of gratitude, for being there, or just for simply existing. A letter of me reminding them to seek out their multiple sources of strengths. A letter of me telling them just how beautiful the world I am seeing now because of the help of their good intentions, and a letter of me hoping that I might have any chance in helping them see theirs too.


So, how about 2017?

I am going to ask myself this every day next year, what were you doing last year? what were you feeling last year? what was happening this time last year? 

No, not to make myself nostalgic and whatsoever, but just to count how much I have changed, how many things I have learned and how I adapt to changes of those around me. Sometimes, it also can help me to count the things I have to be grateful for. Because so many times I tend to forget about being a thankful freeloader-human being of this mundane life God has given me.

It is also a tool I create to map out where and how my supporting systems are doing.

I am going to keep track of myself, and my universe(s) next year. I am going to write. Write, not only about the world but also about myself and make lists, of things that are precious to me and be very well informed of what is going on to those around me. I am going to focus on feelings, and people.

 My people.

 Because they deserve a whole lot of it.

24 - 26 December 2016
Bekasi
sarahannida



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2:11 am

engkau Saturday, December 10, 2016
Malam ini aku tidak bisa tidur,
aku mencoba mencari frasa yang tepat untuk menulis tentang engkau lagi
Entah kenapa mawar itu tidak juga gugur
Padahal seharusnya ia tahu diri



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Yang tidak disukai

daftar Thursday, December 01, 2016
Ia tidak suka rambut yang menyembul diantara kerudung hitam yang terlalu jauh ditarik kebelakang,
Ia tidak suka tali sepatu yang menjuntai tak diikat sempurna,
Ia tidak suka sampah yang berserakan,
Ia tidak suka makanan yang kamu sisakan,
Ia tidak suka kelas yang waktunya memotong adzan,
...
Akan selalu aku catat dan aku ingat daftar panjang tentang hal - hal yang Ia tidak suka ini
Karena mungkin belum saatnya
untuk mencari apa yang Ia sukai



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