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 that week my hands tremble, my body was on fire, my head spins like its in the wrong room.

“last sunday you were fine” my mom asked “what happened?”

turns out it was you. you happened to be the most excruciating thing that happens to my body. you burned me time and time again, without knowing what it was for and how it was done. you came to my dreams depicting all that we can never be

and i think thats you saying goodbye.

and me too

this sunday im closing the book. 

but before that, im cursing you, im cursing the child you’ll bring to the world, that baby will fall in love with mine and the story will reverse, i wont let that happen. i’ll burn the letter and seal the deal. this next life, you’ll regret everything you did to me.

 awkward chatters fills the air but it was warm and fuzzy. the warmest ice cream shop ever.

i played with the little babies and our stickers and paint by numbers are all spread out the table.

noises.

    looks behind for a second. 

you were there from an extended invite i did not even know.

 i smiled ( i cried for you in june ). 

said hi and force a laughter. 

you said “its not your baby isnt it?”

“really, that was the first thing you said to me?” almost whispering, half joking. eyes were on us because its a story for the ages. but they were pretending to not see. they hoped to hear. a laughter from your side and a small pat in my head, “how are you?” (that was a first time)

you tried to have the best seat, where our knees touch just like old times, where you can lean your hands in my chair, where you can whisper “can we go for coffee?”

“sure”

“okay”

the group take their photos and stands up

i make sure “right now right? you did not say when, you might have mean next year” and you squinted your eyes, took your key cars into my fingers, 

“sekarang. you hold this”

and so our breath hitched. 

it was my first time in your car.

 31 mei

satu tahun

sejak aku memilih diriku sendiri

itu yang aku ucap dan yang mereka tau

tetapi, 

sebenarnya aku memilih kamu

kamu yang datang tiga bulan lagi, 

 kamu tersenyum tanpa gigi

memilin kata demi kata untuk mengetuk senyum wajah mungil ini

kamu dan kopi di tangan kananmu,

satu gelas yang aku janji belikan

karena aku tak mau ingkar janji padamu

dan kamu yang ucapkan beribu sungkan

(besok, besok kita ke tempat matcha favoritmu)

(aku jemput pukul sembilan)