Let me write again about letting go.

Sunday, January 29, 2023

 It was a sunny day, an old friend at commune, everything just slip out of my mouth, and this is what she says.


"I sense competitiveness"

".."

"from your own self, your past self"


i hate that its true, i keep saying you haven't met the new me yet.


But what if, it doesnt matter?


.

.

for years i have been wondering, making up scenarios, hoping, that when you see me you will see a better version of me. you will put two and two together. you will realise my worth.


but that exactly the thing i have to let go of. the longing not for you but for my ownself. the future me did not deserve to be burdened by my own expectations.


clearly, for what it seems, i am always a step closer to the ideal version, the me from my bubble i wrote years ago in this very blog. should i be proud? should i be celebrating?


but that is not the point, the point is wanting to be better so that i can show you i'm better will only result in hurt.


i should let myself go.

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Let me write about you before I let you go

Wednesday, January 04, 2023
My Dearest,

I just realized I never really write anything about how and why I have my eyes on you, and eventually my heart too. Before, I only keep writing about saying sorry, or about how it hurt me, or about things that will never happen.

I guess that is where I was wrong, I guess you would not be able to feel my sincerity as well, as I keep them behind doors, behind sarcastic laughter or behind a fast run upstairs upon seeing your face.

I know I never let you know just how much I admire you. I'm sorry again.

For the first time, let me rewind. I think its all a blur at this point? But I do remember you in a tiny uniform pranking my shoes with fake toys that I almost shed a tear because of how afraid little me of that animal. Or when the uniform was bright cream and brown and you will ask me questions on the desk about my ears. Or when I sigh at your face on the corridor and you do the same thing to me. I never understand childhood love, i still dont understand myself back then either.

I also remember talking about anything on our twitter dms, untill maybe you got sick of me. We would talk about many things, i may not remember much but I remember feeling happy.

I remember we taking a picture together on our breakfasting event. But I don't remember where the picture is.

I remember rooting for each other for college entrance exams, talking so many things online. Up until it gets to you, that you need to focus and I may be just a distraction. 

I like you when you ask our group out to dinner, I never eat like that in my whole life. I was so shy, but I kept looking at you, I keep our knees together while waiting for my ride to come. Please know that's my roomate fling who picks me up while she waits in the car, i did not like him.

I like you. 

Maybe that's why upon seing you with girls in your cafetaria I only say a brief hi and run away. You are too out of reach. I fear of how far we have drifted away.

I like how you sat beside me during the Hari Musik Nasional festival, but I'm too shy, I run away from my feelings.

I don't know where it all started, but i only remember warmth, fuzzy feelings, childhood nostalgia, jokes you sent to me, laughter, movies talks, music talks. I remember your sister name. I remember how fun it is having you talking to me up, until you choose not to.

I like how you stride in confidence. I like your smile in pictures. I like your silly jokes with your friends. I admire how you always keep a hobby with you, even how you keep your celebrity fan-boy phase on your instagram name. I like your broad shoulders, your love of travels, your love for your family. I like your youtube page. I like your excited voice when you talk about the things you like.

I like how every love song is suddenly about you. Every Taylor Swift lyrics i captioned my instagram posts with suddenly has you in it. Every ballads, every longing tune. I sing my heart out without you ever hearing it.

I like how suddenly my work friend knows about you, describe you as patriotic, popular and ambitious. 

i admit i did not know much about you, that is why I really wanted to know you better. the 2023 version you, the 2024 version you. but if life did not think we should cross paths anymore, I only could sent a letter of my prayers.

I wish in happy and health, you will always find the strength to pass a rainy day. I wish sanana treat you warm, as warm as your mother's touch. I wish you can sleep at night without worries. I wish the sun can bless your day and protect you from mayhems. I wish you can bike all around the city you wanted without any accidents. I wish you can travel and take as many pictures as you like. I wish the songs they are playing in the radio suits your taste and soothe your ears. I wish you can make your father proud. I wish your family would expand and grow and give you something to look forward to going home. I wish your workloads get less and your pay gets better. I wish people will treat you with respect and acknowledge your talents. I wish you safe from people who are evil and cunning. I wish you are surrounded with humble, humanity and like-minded people.
I wish your heart never have to get hurt. I wish your life are serene and content. I wish even when you're an old granny you would not hurt your back so you can carry around your grandchildren in your backyard. 

I wish in this lifetime you can get and do whatever you want.







and if my wishes came true; it would've been you.

0104 2023

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november flush and your flannel cure

pisces Tuesday, December 27, 2022

The sky is grey outside, but inside,

its the colour of the flannel shirt i bought as a memorabilia of this feelings you left me with


no one knows but i like the pointed bubbly cheeks when you smile, 


at something sweet your cheek will rise and i can clearly see it from behind. 


no one knows but i take a look at the greys sticking out in your hair, the coffee you bought downstairs, 



the navy blue jacket and the weight on your shoulder.



no one knows when i write poetries when you were gone.


i write poetries when im sad

i write poetries when im afraid

i write poetries when im mad

but most importantly i write poetry secretly behind your back


#


hi you


congratulations on finding love in a dating app, at the age of 27, at this age of isolation, pandemic and recession. i simply think that you deserve it, a person as sweet and thoughtful, deserve all the kind of love you think you deserves.


now that you're kind of off limit, its very hard to walk away. you're a quicksand, a friction in the scenario, a dream i intended to never come true. (real dream btw i dreamt of you one night).


but i know a chair is up there and it was never mine.


and maybe you know that too, that is why it was always a river to cross between us. and i respect you for that. dont worry, im writting this so i could get over you.


for someone who intended to stay as far away as i can, there are only certain things i could wish for you:


i hope you are always basked in the sun's warmth, hidden on your mother's long hug back home, safe under your coat from the pouring storm, full from eating delicacies someone decided to pay you for, enamored for the hard work you put into, appreciated by everyone reconizing your ideas and worth, happy from the love you choose as your forever.


writing this from a taxi back home,

a sad beautiful tragic lover

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letters to the scenarios in my head

Monday, May 10, 2021

Sometimes i wonder if we will ever meet again? i always imagine an encounter with visualization straight out of those korean dramas. where the two main leads would meet again, under a seemingly ridicolous place, crossing each other path while the script took them to a twist of the timeline. under a shining light, with fallen leaves and a music only those two can hear. 


or have we did? have we already met? did we already have those kdrama scene? or we almost did? 


perhaps we did crossed our path, 

but maybe i just missed it. 


maybe we did meet on a ridiculous place i never thought of but i took a long fix on my shoes while you were passing by. 

maybe we did met at those crowded malls but you were looking at your phone to care for your surroundings. 

maybe our timeline just did not match. 


i have to tell you the truth, i sometimes took another look when i saw someone resembling you pass me by, ah...yes, i know the last time i saw you was years ago and i am not even sure how you look like right now, but i still do that. 


i would make hundreds of scenario in my head, and pry if it ever come true. 


i still do.



9 May 

4 am

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Remember those scenarios I made in my head?

Sunday, December 06, 2020

 well fuck, you're still the main character.


- after a conversation with sab about our past love stories. and after a couple of visit to fish videos on youtube.

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Sunday, December 06, 2020

Back then, 

Maybe


I didn't really like you. I just like seeing pretty things. 


Collect them like notebooks,

put it on a binder.


and when i start writting again

i still write about you.


- this words spins out of  my head on mid Q3 of 2020 when i think of the boys i loved. im sorry. 


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Remember this, Sarah

Very Personal Monday, January 01, 2018
Realizations: I can't believe I let 2017 pass me by just like that, 


I only write here with a few posts, I only posted 12 pictures on my sarahannida instagram. I let life slide without sharing pictures and writing.



but I did share pictures, and I did write on many other platforms. I did find new things, and I did try to write what I learned by creating this post. I want myself to see it in the future, and remember the things I have to remember.


In the last seconds of 2017 or the first ones of 2018, I realized that my life is my first one ever, I have to live, and I only have these precious seconds gifted to me once. I realize that I have to own up my own life and my own mistakes and my own motivation or demotivations. I realize I have to take a closer look and pays more attention to my life. because this is my first life, it is more precious than ever.

I am confident with how I look. I realize that I cant remember when I started feeling this way but I remember my young self, looking at the mirror saying "hhmm I look okay tho?" and I only think about ways to improve since then, I started studying about makeup, and sometimes I used to do it wrongly and up until 1 Jan 2018 I never really do anything on my eyebrows. I still have a lot to learn and I sometimes forgot which combination of eyeshadow colors suits me best. I spend too much on them and have like 15 lip products and a brush set I never washed because I am too lazy. And then, come the world of skincare, I try out everything. I learned something new and became very passionate about it. I learned the world of Korean Skincare Routine, I learned the names of American's brand that serves only the ingredients our skin needed, I learned about how we can actually look at what are those chemicals doing to our skin on the internet. Yet, I still have breakouts, and I still struggle to find the right products that fit my budget category. I started to buy new toners and new sunscreens and then when they don't really do my face a favor, I quit and had a massive breakout. I started to rearrange my routine and learn everything again from zero.

When it comes to my body, I know I need to cut down on weight and fat. I know I am a small person in terms of height. I know I am not the prettiest figure when I use my clothes. The fact that my sister uses my clothes a lot and it looks better at her is always a wake-up call to me to take care of my body and another call to try and find new clothes that might look better for me. I know I have to go exercise to cut down my weight, yes I admit I want to look better, but I want to be fit and healthy more. Especially when I started to pant out of exhaustion when I took the stairs to the 3rd or even 2nd floor. And when I carried baby Aisha on my arms and felt my arms gonna fall out. I wanted to be strong and fit, so I can stand up in a concert with no exhaustion, or carry my own baby one day without back pains, or to just live my life without having to spend much on hospital bills.

Even when my standard of beauty shifted, I still have the need to detach myself from my looks. I think our body is just a body, and as long as I am fine with it, I am okay. I know, I still lack in many places. I know, I have to motivate myself to take care of the parts I often neglect. I know I have to go the long miles to pedicure my nails because I can't make it look as pretty as how the mba mba salon make, I know I have to cut my hair routinely to make it not as problematic as it is. What I do know too, is that there are some reasons why I am not doing it now. I know some of those things weren't my priorities and I know some of the reasons is that I am too lazy. 

I have been called out, ridiculed by people and even my closest family, about how I look. I often take it to the heart. I often wanted to cry. but I knew and believe that It doesn't matter. 

Yes, I am having breakouts now and I look so ugly compared to my sister, but my aunt doesn't know that I am taking small steps to cure it by cherishing my skin with products that can help it grow more healthy.

Yes, I am smaller than my cousin who just turned 13. but they don't know that there are maybe some men out there who have kinks out of shorter girls.

Yes, I am not fit into the world's standard of beautiful women right now.  I know that. You don't have to say it out loud.

I know when I want to, I will eventually take steps towards making myself look more presentable. I know I will take steps to take care of many many parts of my body that need to be taken care of. I know I will have the time and money too.

I know, therefore I am. I know that I have been thinking for all my life about the world and I always manage to realize things. Realization. Kesadaran. Kesadaran on what I am doing, and feeling and thinking is not all me, I have influences from the outside world, and I realize that I am being influenced.I really have to realize what are those influences, took time to take control over it and decide whether it is an influence I wanted to keep or not. I have to try to not let everything outside of myself decide how I am going to feel, think do. And even if it does control me, I have to realize it. 

I know exactly that I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I know that I have several aspirations but I haven't choose one to focus on. Heck, I don't know if I should focus on one or just do it all. I don't know, and therefore I know to always keep an open mind about everything in life.

I know I know I know, this isn't the last of this posts. I know I have too many things to remember about. I know I have to keep on learning and keep writing about what I have learned. 

There is no such thing as stopping, I will keep on going.

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