31 mei
satu tahun
sejak aku memilih diriku sendiri
itu yang aku ucap dan yang mereka tau
tetapi,
sebenarnya aku memilih kamu
kamu yang datang tiga bulan lagi,
kamu tersenyum tanpa gigi
memilin kata demi kata untuk mengetuk senyum wajah mungil ini
kamu dan kopi di tangan kananmu,
satu gelas yang aku janji belikan
karena aku tak mau ingkar janji padamu
dan kamu yang ucapkan beribu sungkan
(besok, besok kita ke tempat matcha favoritmu)
(aku jemput pukul sembilan)
It was a sunny day, an old friend at commune, everything just slip out of my mouth, and this is what she says.
"I sense competitiveness"
".."
"from your own self, your past self"
i hate that its true, i keep saying you haven't met the new me yet.
But what if, it doesnt matter?
.
.
for years i have been wondering, making up scenarios, hoping, that when you see me you will see a better version of me. you will put two and two together. you will realise my worth.
but that exactly the thing i have to let go of. the longing not for you but for my ownself. the future me did not deserve to be burdened by my own expectations.
clearly, for what it seems, i am always a step closer to the ideal version, the me from my bubble i wrote years ago in this very blog. should i be proud? should i be celebrating?
but that is not the point, the point is wanting to be better so that i can show you i'm better will only result in hurt.
i should let myself go.
I just realized I never really write anything about how and why I have my eyes on you, and eventually my heart too. Before, I only keep writing about saying sorry, or about how it hurt me, or about things that will never happen.
I guess that is where I was wrong, I guess you would not be able to feel my sincerity as well, as I keep them behind doors, behind sarcastic laughter or behind a fast run upstairs upon seeing your face.
I know I never let you know just how much I admire you. I'm sorry again.
For the first time, let me rewind. I think its all a blur at this point? But I do remember you in a tiny uniform pranking my shoes with fake toys that I almost shed a tear because of how afraid little me of that animal. Or when the uniform was bright cream and brown and you will ask me questions on the desk about my ears. Or when I sigh at your face on the corridor and you do the same thing to me. I never understand childhood love, i still dont understand myself back then either.
I also remember talking about anything on our twitter dms, untill maybe you got sick of me. We would talk about many things, i may not remember much but I remember feeling happy.
I remember we taking a picture together on our breakfasting event. But I don't remember where the picture is.
I remember rooting for each other for college entrance exams, talking so many things online. Up until it gets to you, that you need to focus and I may be just a distraction.
I like you when you ask our group out to dinner, I never eat like that in my whole life. I was so shy, but I kept looking at you, I keep our knees together while waiting for my ride to come. Please know that's my roomate fling who picks me up while she waits in the car, i did not like him.
I like you.
Maybe that's why upon seing you with girls in your cafetaria I only say a brief hi and run away. You are too out of reach. I fear of how far we have drifted away.
I like how you sat beside me during the Hari Musik Nasional festival, but I'm too shy, I run away from my feelings.
I don't know where it all started, but i only remember warmth, fuzzy feelings, childhood nostalgia, jokes you sent to me, laughter, movies talks, music talks. I remember your sister name. I remember how fun it is having you talking to me up, until you choose not to.
I like how you stride in confidence. I like your smile in pictures. I like your silly jokes with your friends. I admire how you always keep a hobby with you, even how you keep your celebrity fan-boy phase on your instagram name. I like your broad shoulders, your love of travels, your love for your family. I like your youtube page. I like your excited voice when you talk about the things you like.
I like how every love song is suddenly about you. Every Taylor Swift lyrics i captioned my instagram posts with suddenly has you in it. Every ballads, every longing tune. I sing my heart out without you ever hearing it.
I like how suddenly my work friend knows about you, describe you as patriotic, popular and ambitious.
i admit i did not know much about you, that is why I really wanted to know you better. the 2023 version you, the 2024 version you. but if life did not think we should cross paths anymore, I only could sent a letter of my prayers.
I wish in happy and health, you will always find the strength to pass a rainy day. I wish sanana treat you warm, as warm as your mother's touch. I wish you can sleep at night without worries. I wish the sun can bless your day and protect you from mayhems. I wish you can bike all around the city you wanted without any accidents. I wish you can travel and take as many pictures as you like. I wish the songs they are playing in the radio suits your taste and soothe your ears. I wish you can make your father proud. I wish your family would expand and grow and give you something to look forward to going home. I wish your workloads get less and your pay gets better. I wish people will treat you with respect and acknowledge your talents. I wish you safe from people who are evil and cunning. I wish you are surrounded with humble, humanity and like-minded people.
I wish your heart never have to get hurt. I wish your life are serene and content. I wish even when you're an old granny you would not hurt your back so you can carry around your grandchildren in your backyard.
I wish in this lifetime you can get and do whatever you want.
and if my wishes came true; it would've been you.
0104 2023
The sky is grey outside, but inside,
its the colour of the flannel shirt i bought as a memorabilia of this feelings you left me with
no one knows but i like the pointed bubbly cheeks when you smile,
at something sweet your cheek will rise and i can clearly see it from behind.
no one knows but i take a look at the greys sticking out in your hair, the coffee you bought downstairs,
the navy blue jacket and the weight on your shoulder.
no one knows when i write poetries when you were gone.
i write poetries when im sad
i write poetries when im afraid
i write poetries when im mad
but most importantly i write poetry secretly behind your back
#
hi you
congratulations on finding love in a dating app, at the age of 27, at this age of isolation, pandemic and recession. i simply think that you deserve it, a person as sweet and thoughtful, deserve all the kind of love you think you deserves.
now that you're kind of off limit, its very hard to walk away. you're a quicksand, a friction in the scenario, a dream i intended to never come true. (real dream btw i dreamt of you one night).
but i know a chair is up there and it was never mine.
and maybe you know that too, that is why it was always a river to cross between us. and i respect you for that. dont worry, im writting this so i could get over you.
for someone who intended to stay as far away as i can, there are only certain things i could wish for you:
i hope you are always basked in the sun's warmth, hidden on your mother's long hug back home, safe under your coat from the pouring storm, full from eating delicacies someone decided to pay you for, enamored for the hard work you put into, appreciated by everyone reconizing your ideas and worth, happy from the love you choose as your forever.
writing this from a taxi back home,
a sad beautiful tragic lover
Sometimes i wonder if we will ever meet again? i always imagine an encounter with visualization straight out of those korean dramas. where the two main leads would meet again, under a seemingly ridicolous place, crossing each other path while the script took them to a twist of the timeline. under a shining light, with fallen leaves and a music only those two can hear.
or have we did? have we already met? did we already have those kdrama scene? or we almost did?
perhaps we did crossed our path,
but maybe i just missed it.
maybe we did meet on a ridiculous place i never thought of but i took a long fix on my shoes while you were passing by.
maybe we did met at those crowded malls but you were looking at your phone to care for your surroundings.
maybe our timeline just did not match.
i have to tell you the truth, i sometimes took another look when i saw someone resembling you pass me by, ah...yes, i know the last time i saw you was years ago and i am not even sure how you look like right now, but i still do that.
i would make hundreds of scenario in my head, and pry if it ever come true.
i still do.
9 May
4 am
well fuck, you're still the main character.
- after a conversation with sab about our past love stories. and after a couple of visit to fish videos on youtube.